Burnin' One

D-Dubs, brother in-law of Champ is presently living in Northern Virginia and decided to pay $7.95 to watch the SU-Miami of Ohio game via Big East TV. Being the true fan that he is, he decided to record his thoughts on such a special occassion, with a little help from his friend "Double Bacardi." When you combine SU football, the internet, 4th rate announcers who participate in questionable activities at halftime and a computer - that's a formula for fun.

Warning - if you do not want to revisit the horror show that was Saturday's game, STOP READING NOW.


This running account of the game occurred while watching SU vs. Miami OH on the Internet while drinking heavily…alone. Please do not try to hold an intervention. I’m ok, I’m not an alcoholic, I swear - Sincerely D-Dubs.

KICKOFF

-Announcer B: “Miami better be careful with the way Andrew Robinson throws the ball.” Apparently these announcers didn’t watch the first 3 games of AROB’s career as a starter. The only thing Miami players need to be worried about is the errant duck AROB may throw that hits them while they are on the bench getting water.

-The full screen version of the game comes in “Atari” graphics

-12:15 to go in 1st quarter – first dropped pass of the game by SU….sweet.

-Announcer B: “Brinkley gets hammered at the29 yard line”….I also got hammered at the 29 yard line of our high school football field as a Senior in 2000. (Note: Author did not actually get hammered until he was 21. Thanks!)

-Syracuse 1st false start – 11:00 to go in 1st quarter – Announcer A: “That will drive you crazy if you’re a coach.” Luckily, Syracuse hasn’t seen a coach in about 7 years, so a coach going crazy shouldn’t be a problem.

-Shadle misses FG attempt wide right – he must have had a tub of Cheesy Poofs in his pants pocket making him lean to the right slightly. Or, more likely, the keg he was hanging on to for the post game party threw him off balance. Wait what?? He didn’t’ have a keg? That was his stomach?

-And the volume goes out on the internet feed….in a related story the BigEast.TV headquarters tragically gets burnt down by fans who spent $7.95 to watch two horrific teams in silence.

-All I can hear is the ice rattling in my double Bacardi and diet Sunkist. FYI – I’m Drinking Sunkist to support the Syracuse Orange. Luckily they changed their name, other wise I’d have a mouthful of Redman chewing tobacco, a tomahawk in my right hand, casino chips in my left hand, and a Mohawk.

-INT CUSE – 8:00 to go in Q1

-Volume is BACK – time to listen to 4th string local Miami OH announcers!!

-Brinkley runs backwards on 3rd and 1…what happened to the quick kick GROB??!!!??!?!

-and back to silence. I don’t think I am mentally prepared to sit and think and drink in silence…I’m going to put my bike helmet on in case I accidentally have an episode.

-Fashion Update: SU almost looks like a normal football team from this century in white tops and “normal” orange pants. Meanwhile – Rogers (RB Miami) breaks 3 arm tackles for a 1st down. I think its time to put in Jason Tanner.

-QB Kokel makes SU fans feel like they are not alone…at least 1 other team has a QB who has only thrown 1 spiral this season.

-Cuse goes deep and incomplete….am I the only one who saw the first pass last week against L’Ville where AROB severely under threw Taj Smith? Somehow L’villes D is so bad it didn’t matter. I feel like last week was a fluke. I do not feel like I am alone.

-Officially on pace to be a punters duel! I am feeling the buyers’ remorse - $7.95 to watch a punting contest. I can watch subpar athletes punt at each other in the local PUNT PASS KICK contest. I take that back, that was a low blow to the young boys and girls who can actually PUNT, PASS and KICK. GROB – its never to early to start recruiting. Check out “Big Baby” –son of Champ. He’s 8 months old, but a mortal lock to be a great football player.

-Somehow, the o/u on this game is in the 50’s. Unfortunately I didn’t bet the under because I’m an idiot.

-AROB runs for a 1st down!! Is it possible that D1 athletes can make plays?

-Both announcers are mad at a missed holding call on SU and then rip SU by pointing out that SU’s 3rd down conversion rate is a lowly 22%. Then, Karma must be taking the day off as SU fumbles the snap. Is it possible that SU doesn’t recruit D1 athletes?

-SU turnover leads to Miami TD. GROB is already preparing his post game speech where he talks in circles around the fact that he is a poor press conference giver.

-“Tickets available, feel the Orange Crush”. Miami of Ohio announcers laugh at this promo. Ladies and Gentleman, the state of SU Football!! Feel the Orange Crush!!

-MAX SUTER returns kickoff to the 50 yard line!!! Sexiest white man on the roster.

-Last 2 SU offensive plays: 1.) 2 TE set, run for no gain. 2.) 2 TE pistol set, QB hit while throwing.

-3rd down play – GROB puts Taj Smith in motion for a fake reverse to the same side that SU plans to throw the screen pass. Note that Taj smith was in motion behind the receiver that caught the ball so he was in no position to block for the screen pass. Way to make the defense shift to the side that you want to throw to GROB. I can’t figure out why SU has a 3rd down conversion rate equal to that of the amount of kids that can listen to simple directions in my classes. (Note: Any shots at kids or race are probably not true and do not reflect the views of the author. Thanks!)

-And the PUNT OFF continues. SU needs a big Defensive play to get the momentum back.

-A sophomore out of Warren, OH is discussed - On a side note, Warren, PA is a serious backwoods town that hosts softball tournaments, has no women with teeth, and has a man named Shmee living there. They also have ladies there who don’t mind letting 13 young strangers use their bathroom for a shower and steal their bras (probably an inside joke).

-BIG stop on 3rd and 1 by CUSE defense. 8:49 to go in the half.

-Immediately negated by SU penalties. Wait, so you can’t cross the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped?? Really?? This must be a new rule. Lets just give Miami extra first downs because we are good enough to win without having the football.

-The announcers have a case of the “shoulda’s” - as in that shoulda been a face mask, shoulda been a hold, shoulda been called…. against the CUSE. Love 4th string homer announcers.

-CUSE run D resembles something of a cooking utensil used to strain things…. I think it’s called a strainer. But don’t quote me on that. Miami 14 SU 0.

-Every time a major CUSE sports team plays, Rhonda (my sister and brother in law’s dog) wears a Syracuse dog collar. It’s sweet looking - but this weekend they are in Buffalo watching the greatest NFL football team of all time – the Buffalo Bills - and forgot to bring Rhondas Collar. I blame SU’s poor play on my sister and her husband. Message for my brother in-law – as a man who loves sports you should never leave home without all superstitious paraphernalia in hand.

-To offset this bad karma (and because I’m on my 4th diet Sunkist and bacardi) I will wear Rhondas Syracuse collar. I know, I know, I am a team player.

-SU has taken control of the PUNT OFF.

-Announcer A: “An outstanding half of football”. Really?? What game has he been watching?? Punts, turnovers, poor play and penalties on both sides…dropped balls. Plus graphics that rival TW26 Cortland JV girl’s volleyball broadcasts in CNY…OUTSTANDING.

-Speaking of Cortland, a D.P. Dough ad was just aired. Apparently Miami OH has D.P. Dough. Who knew. And now I wish I was in Cortland to get myself a D.P. Dough Calzone. Maybe someday DP Dough will read this and send me a free coupon.


-HALFTIME THOUGHTS: Last week was most definitely a fluke. Syracuse looks just as bad as the 1st three games. Miami Ohio is excited. Especially the announcers as they again convey how the 1st half was an “OUTSTANDING” half of football.


-HAHAHAHA this just in. ATTENTION all broadcasters - THE MIC IS ALWAYS ON! Thinking they were off the air, Announcer A says, “I don’t know what the hell you were thinking” to announcer B. Announcer B says “I’m gonna go burn one”. It all makes sense now….this was an exciting half of football but only if you are stoned and plan on “burning one” at halftime. Also, they are playing at YAGER stadium. Apperently Miami of Ohio is a huge party school. (I realize Jager starts with a J, but it sounds the same so its close enough. I think it’s a soft Y).

-Announcer A says OUTSTANDING HALF OF FOOTBALL for the 5th time in 6 minutes. over/under for OUTSTANDING in the 2nd half is 3.5. I took the over.

-Thank you announcer A for reminding us all that it is ONLY the 1st half. I was confused for a minute and was gonna go watch another game…oh wait I might do that anyways.

-I’ve been listening to music during commercials up until about 5 minutes ago because I’m afraid I will miss some stellar unintentional comedy from Announcer A and B. Suddenly $7.95 doesn’t seem so steep.

-I think there’s a conspiracy to keep the announcers off the air which explains all the volume outages. Is it that hard to believe that BigEast TV took the chance that all those who bought this game would be less pissed at the silence during the game than if they were forced to listen to these 4th string announcers for an entire game? I think so.

-1st half stats show SU with 101 yards of total offense. I think I blacked out for those plays because I don’t remember any positive yardage plays.

BEGIN 2ND HALF

-Update: Rutgers losing 14-3 to MD. Ooof! If it weren’t for UCONN crushing Akron, the Big East would be struggling thus far today.

-Miami OH runs through SU for another first down. Announcer B: “If Miami makes it 21-0, lookout. Also, if SU scores a TD they could be back in it.” Umm no shit. Gotta love 4th string local announcers!

-White QB outruns SU Defense. Ladies and gentlemen, the result of recruiting D3 caliber athletes to play football at SU!! (Note: Racial comments made during this game do not express the true feelings of the author. Thanks!)

-Former Miami OH coaches include Jim Tressel and you guessed it…RON ZOOK!! Some serious coaching history!

-Former CUSE starting QB Joe Fields with the INT! Get ready to see AROB kicking PATs next season. Instead of recruiting real QB’s, GROB recruits QB’s that can be converted to other positions to avoid the rejections of real D1 athletes that can go to better programs.

GROB Says: “Hey Recruit! You’re a great athlete that can throw. Come play QB for us”

GROB Means: “Hey Guy! You suck at QB but you’re a good athlete. Come to SU and freeze your ass off and suck at QB for 1 year then we’ll make you play another position you suck at but are better at than the only other D3 athlete we could get to come here for that position!”

-SU passes for a TD to Buffalo product Mike Williams! I wonder if Paul Harris plays football?? For that matter we might as well put Devo at QB, Harris at RB, TROB at WR, Mookie at DB, Boeheim at Football Coach, and Josh Wright on the bench!! Take that Wright, YOU SUCK!!!!

-Break in the action: If you couldn’t tell – I am bitter about the state of SU Football. But I still can’t miss a game. (See also; paying $7.95 for this game).

-QB Joe Fields with his 2nd INT!! This makes me wonder – why don’t NFL teams put their QBs in the secondary? Mike Vick could have set the INT record I’m sure. This could be the greatest revelation in recruiting/coaching strategy history. Or not.

-For all the shit GROB is taking from me and others, I like the guts he shows to go for it on 4th down at anytime. At least with GROB you are surprised at some of the play calls even though the result is usually the same. With Coach P you got run, run, pass incomplete, and punt almost every series. With GROB you get deep bomb incomplete, screen pass incomplete, quick kick. I am semi-entertained with the latter.

-I love the pause that announcers take when they don’t know the name of the player on D that made a good play.

For example: Announcer A says “great play by……………….the SU defender……….. …….... Mike Holmes!” Reminds me of the Friends episode when Joey explains how he takes a dramatic pause when he is trying to remember his lines on Days of Our Lives.

-White QB continues to run through the sieve that is the SU Defense.

-Announcer A: “neither team really knows what’s going on out there” OUTSTANDING GAME OF FOOTBALL!!!”

-SU blocks Miami FG attempt. Might be the big special teams play that CUSE needs. Here comes AROB. (As I throw up in my mouth a little)

-Announcer B (disgusted): “If I’m Syracuse I just give up on my rushing game. It’s not there, it hasn’t been there all season long.” This comes from the mouth of an announcer from Miami of Ohio. We’ve quite possibly reached the low point in SU Football history.

-And now the picture is out on the Internet feed of the game, but the announcers are coming in loud and clear. Officially writing a letter to the office of Mike Tranghese. I’d rather watch in silence then listen to these 4th string homer announcers in darkness.

-Announcer B: “The bad thing about those seasons (referring to the upcoming basketball season) that keep on rolling around is we just keep getting older.” An obvious misquote of Wooderson from the movie Dazed and Confused.

-Announcer B thinks there “shoulda” been defensive pass interference on SU. Announcer A concurs. I’m shocked…. SHOCKED!!!

-Announcer A: “Its always is funny to me how the referees are an impartial crew, but the conference team they represent always get an extra yard on the spot, while the other conference team gets a yard less on the spot.”

It’s funny to me how announcers are supposed to be impartial but clearly favor their home team over the other team. This doesn’t apply to only announcers from Miami of Ohio, but all local 4th string announcers across the nation. (Coach Mac flashbacks)

-Ballsy call by GROB to go for it on 4th and 1. I like these types of calls. I am a believer in always going for it on 4th and short. This comes after reading a couple articles on ESPN.com that refer to studies done on percentages of going for it on 4th down and the resulting scores from converting vs. undesired results (TMQ articles on espn.com).

…That plus my informal studies conducted while playing Tecmo Super Bowl and Madden for the last 15 years or so. 4th and 34 from my own goal line??? Shiiiiit, play action pass to Andre Reed!!!!

-After praising GROB for going for it, he calls Time Out and brings out the punt unit. NO NUTS!! This will probably come back to haunt the CUSE.

-Announcer B: “4th and 1 in the 4th quarter, down 7, and punting is bad football!” Even though I am an advocate for going for it on 4th almost always, with 10 minutes to go and only down 7, CUSE has a great chance to get the ball back in good field position with a lot of time left. So FU Announcer B.

-And I immediately regret backing the decision to punt. Miami runs for a 48-yard gain on the 2nd play after the punt (Announcer A took about 8 seconds to add up all the yards).

-GROB “shoulda” went for it on 4th and 1 because he has a D3 caliber defense. Put in JT MONEY!!! That’s Jason Tanner for those of you that don’t know.

-White Miami QB jukes entire SU defense. Again, these are the results of recruiting D3 players. TD upcoming I’m sure as Miami has it 1st and goal from the 2-yard line.

-In the biggest upset in CUSE history since SU Football v.2007 upset L’Ville last week, SU D holds Miami to a FG!! Miami FG makes it 17-7. Here comes the potent CUSE offense. (That was in a sarcastic tone if you couldn’t tell)

-Announcer A invents a word: “Triumbriod.” As in “SU has a Triumbriod of receivers to the right”. (Note: It may be a word but I am not looking it up to find out so I’ll assume I am right)

-Announcer A and B are livid over the missed holding calls on that play. AROB rushes for a 1st down in spite of the horrible announcing.

-Taj Smith drops the pass…Incomplete…. Sweet.

-Mike Williams with a big catch and run for 20 yards. Break out game for Mike Williams. CUSE is driving; I’m cautiously optimistic that this will be entertaining.

-CUSE TD PASS!!!! Taj Smith comes up big, with a heads up play by SU offense to go to hurry up and catch Miami off guard. Announcers A and B are quasi impressed. “Nice Toss” says announcer A. “Nice Catch” says announcer B.

This reminds me of the movie Major League when Marty says “Fly ball….Caught” while standing in after Doyle(Bob Uecker) passes out drunk on Jack Daniels. They don’t call them the best 4th string announcers in the game for nothing. Gotta love 4th string announcers on BigEast.TV!!!

-SU tries a semi onside kick? I think? I’m not even sure what that was. It was the offspring of an orgy involving an onside kick, a pooch kick, and a dry heave.

-They just showed SU’s remaining schedule and it is brutal with the exception of Buffalo. 3 top 25 teams, Pitt, Uconn, and Cincy…does not look good, especially if CUSE loses this game.

-Big stop by CUSE. Miami to punt, hopefully no penalties negate the good play by the D3 defense.

-After the punt by Miami that pins CUSE inside their own 10, Miami officially wins the punters duel!!

-Announcers are livid after the spot given to the CUSE by the refs for the forward progress. However, after further review, they realize they are douche bags.

-SU gets sacked. Probably game over. Thanks for coming out.

-But not to be outdone, some SU receiver named Jawad Nesheiwat #80? Proves he’s just as inept as the rest of the program and runs his route out of bounds, comes back in bounds, catches a pass and gives SU a penalty…solid coaching!!! This play will probably officially kill SU’s possible winning drive. The streak of SU not having legitimate coaches is extended to 8 years and counting.

-3rd and 17 from SU’s own 5. And a 9-yard gain is just shy of a first down.

-4th and 8…pass knocked down. Game over. Miami of Ohio wins. AWESOME.

RECAP:

Well…. 2 “OUTSTANDING HALFS OF FOOTBALL”, 4 double diet Sunkists and Bacardi, 4 Miller Lite bottles, an announcer “burning one” at halftime, numerous penalties and turnovers by CUSE, and 10 pages later, this game is done. Miami of Ohio is the greatest football team to ever play in this game today against Syracuse.

Do not worry though, it could be worse. How you ask? You could be a Mets Fan!!! But hey, the Syracuse basketball season is almost here! Unfortunately, however, that only means that I’m just a little bit older.

T3I thank D-Dubs for his efforts.