God Has Stopped Taking My Calls
1. Shaun Alexander - Running back, Seattle Seahawks. You can rightly point to the myriad of injuries Mr. Alexander has dealt with over the last 2 years, but what can I say, life's a bitch. Shaun vaults to the top of this list this week after turning in a 14 carry, 32 yard performance against the Browns. In case you were wondering, the Browns are 27th in the league in rushing yards allowed. For the season he's averaging 3.3 yards per carry and hasn't racked up more than 47 yards in any of his last 4 games. The fact that the Seahawks gave up a big lead to the Browns on Sunday, a time when you would normally be running the ball doesn't help his case either. However, the best stat I can think of to make the case, Antonio Cromartie has more touchdowns than Alexander. Well done Shaun, you suck.
2. Alex Barron - tackle, St. Louis Rams. The Rams were off this week and coincidentally, Marc Bulger did not spend any time in a hospital....strange how that works out. While everyone is buzzing over the possibility that the Patriots may go undefeated, if you ask me the race the between the Rams and Dolphins to see which team can go winless is a lot more dramatic. So, even with the bye week, Barron still gets a place on this list since one of the criteria for moving off the list is "not sucking" during a game. A message for all those Rams fans out there, don't worry, it's not like your team has become a a joke or anything.............seriously, no one is making any jokes at at all.
3. Joey Porter - Linebacker, Miami Dolphins. Like the Rams, the Dolphins were off this week, meaning NFL fans were deprived of 120 minutes of ineptitude. My exclusive sources in the league have told me both teams have promised to make up for it this week. The good news for the Dolphins is that thanks to the way the NFL schedule works out, if they run the table and lose every game, they will become the first team to lose all 16 regular season game, because they play week 17 at 1 pm, while the rams play at 4 pm. There was a lot of support for Porter over the last week, in some circles its been said that even if you can't tell, he's improving. If that's not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is. Who knows, maybe they can get FIU on the schedule.
4. Tarvaris Jackson - Quarterback, Minnesota Vikings. Putting someone on this list that was carted off the field with a concussion seems pretty bad, but the fact of the matter is before he was knocked senseless, he still stunk. Bill Clinton was more accurate with Monica Lewinsky's blue dress than Tarvaris is with a football. The Vikings have to get a quarterback in the off season, because wasting a talent like Adrian Peterson would be criminal, and no, Chris Weinke isn't the answer.
5. Ted Cottrell - Defensive Coordinator, San Diego Chargers. This list is supposed to be about players, but it's my list and my rules, and I've just instituted a new one, when your team gives up 296 yards rushing to rookie, someone gets held accountable. I was going to put Shawne Merriman here, because he annoys me, he got caught cheating, and that sack dance he does is dumb, but overall, I decided against it. Besides, Ted told everyone before the game that there was "no chance at all" the Chargers were looking past the Vikings. Oops.
Dropped out:
Chad Pennington (not playing)
Knocking on the Door:
Cedric Benson
Daunte Culpepper
Brian Griese
Donovan McNabb (No one loves McNabb more than me, but he's got to start pushing the ball down the field - Brian Westbrook had 14 catches Sunday - that's absurd)
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