Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Athletes Who SHOULD Have Taken Steroids

The Mitchell Report on steroid use in baseball has the sports world buzzing. Google "Mitchell Report" and you get back more than 300,000 results. Predictably ESPN, the self proclaimed "world wide leader" in sports is getting caught up in the hype, claiming the contents of the report "will be huge for baseball." Thanks ESPN, we never would have figured that one out on our own.

Anyway, while the world prepares to act shocked that Jason Giambi was on the juice and a bunch of other guys go into, "the report isn't true mode" (I'm talking about you Kevin Millar) - we here at T3I decided to take a look at some athletes who SHOULD have been on the juice, because frankly while we all love a lot of the guys on the list - they needed some help. This is by no means a comprehensive list, feel free to add your suggestions below.

Shawn Bradley. Any list of athletes that needed to be stronger has to have Bradley on it. Imagine how many fewer posters Shawn would have been on had he just got on the juice....

Manute Bol. Can you imagine the added range Manute would have had if he had only been using some roids? Half court would have been a lay up for him.

Todd Pinkston. The former Eagle never was quite strong enough to become a good receiver in the league - then again, if he had the physique of TO, he still would have "lost the ball in the lights."

Chuck Nevitt. This former NBA giant stood 7'5" and scratched out a serviceable NBA career, but we can't help but wonder - would Nevitt + roids = Shaq? Sadly, we'll never know.

Dan McGwire. This beanpole was a former first round draft pick of the Seattle Seahawks who never panned out. He stuck around the NFL for 4 years and at 6'8" was the tallest guy to play quarterback in the league. If only he'd been a little stronger.....I wonder if he had any family members that could have helped him out?

Mike Smithson. This little known former big league pitcher actually lead the AL in starts for a couple of years in the 80s, but that didn't last long. Performance enhancing drugs could have changed all that.

Billy Celuck. Syracuse fans all know Billy, he gave it everything he had out the floor, but being muscular wasn't a strong point. Sadly, neither were "basketball skills" so juicing certainly would have helped.

Merton Hanks' neck. Seriously, just look at this thing, how he never suffered some horrific career ending neck injury is beyond us.

Andy Stankiewicz. Stanky the Yankee the was a favorite of all three idiots, sadly the Stankiewicz era didn't last long enough. Jeter was the only guy on the planet that could follow Stanky.

Eric Davis. Don't believe us, check out this photo from early in his career (on second thought, we might want to wait until the report comes out before including him).

Michael Chang. Just the thought of Michael Chang all buffed and ripped makes Andre Agassi cry. If Mike had the body to go with the hustle, and the crazy under hand serve he'd bust out once in a while, Federer would be chasing his records right now.


The Sports Hernia said...

Love it. How Merton Hanks' head never fell off while doing the funky chicken dance, we'll never know.

Anonymous said...

apparently Eric Davis got with the program and added a few pounds

Anonymous said...

What about Reggie Miller, if he'd have been on the juice maybe he gets a ring.

90% Mental said...

Clever stuff! I might include the dual being that was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar/Lew Alcindor... I mean, 7-2, 235? For perspective, Wilt outweighed him by 40.

Poncho Sinatra said...

Haha, hilarious fellas! I totally forgot about Merton Hanks neck. He actually scared the hell out of me when I was younger.