Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Watch out 14ers, the Mad Ants are Coming

The news that Syracuse product Demtris Nichols has been assigned to the Iowa Energy of the NBDL made me do something I thought I'd never do - I went to the NBDL web site. It was a scary trip, and one I know you're not going to make yourself, so remember that the next time you ask what T3I have done for our readers.

Anyway, the reason I went there was to see if the rest of the team names were as bad as "The Iowa Energy" and the "LA D-Fenders." I figured there couldn't possibly be any worse names but boy oh boy, was I wrong. The only possible explanation is that Corky from Life Goes On is now the Assistant Commissioner in charge of team names or Isiah Thomas did it, either way, it's a bevy of retarded goodness.

Currently there are 14 teams in the NBDL, almost all of them have bad names. Luckily, the idiots are here to help.

Colorado 14ers - A favorite of the Sports Hernia - who, in a comment left last week, had this to say about NBDL names in general and the 14ers specifically: "Holy crap, who is in charge of the team names? Fucking Beetlejuice? I also enjoy the "Colorado 14ers." Just flows off the tongue like a Dr. J finger roll." Not much to argue with there.

Dakota Wizards - A fairly sane name - I guess they figured that anything too crazy might keep even more people in their homes when temperatures drop to minus 20 in the Dakotas. If they ever make a change, the only acceptable option is he Dakota Woodchippers.

Albuquerque Thunderbirds - Not an awful name, but since this basically rips off classic Ford automobile and this is an NBDL team, I'm thinking the Albuquerque Escorts might be a better name...uhhhhhh we better just move on.

Idaho Stampede - The Idaho Vandals - that's a good a name - the stampede, not so much. At the very least they should kick it up a notch and call themselves the Idaho Human Stampede - that's at least got an edge to it.

Rio Grande Valley Vipers - Valley Vipers - that's just f-ing retarded. You don't need a geographic adjective to describe a deadly snake. Vipers aren't people, they aren't dividing themselves up by region and then using that region to describe themselves. The Rio Grande Valley Border Jumpers has a much better ring to it.

Sioux Falls Skyforce - What is a Skyforce and why are they in South Dakota? How many minor league teams do the Dakotas need anyway? One is more than enough, they should just be disbanded - something tells me the NBDL players aren't exactly thrilled about being sent to the Dakotas anyway.

Fort Wayne Mad Ants - The Fort Wayne Pistons were an ORIGINAL NBA team and this is how you repay the people of Fort Wayne? The Mad Ants? I guess the Angry Centipedes were already taken. The Fort Wayne team is affiliated with the Detroit Pistons (where the team eventually moved) so I don't know - maybe you'd like to honor the past and become.........the Fort Wayne Pistons? Life isn't that hard people.

Los Angeles D-Fenders - This is as lazy and dumb as you can get. What does this honor - LA's long tradition of defense? The LA auto industry? You want a good name for an LA team - how about the LA Starving Actors? That's catchy.

Anaheim Arsenal - This sounds like a team that should be playing in the English Premier League. In keeping with LA tradition, they should be renamed the Los Angeles Arsenal of Anaheim.

Utah Flash - The Flash sucked as a superhero. The Utah Batmen is far more appropriate - besides, Utah seems like a place that has a lot of bats.

Tulsa 66ers - Memo to the world: Just because the Philadelphia 76ers can get away with name that's a number with an "ers" after it, this does not make it OK, nor should it be construed as an invitation for you to try your own variation. I've got no alternative name here, I highly doubt the people of Tulsa will care.

Austin Toros -This actually isn't that bad - Corky has to be right once in a while.

Bakersfield Jam - The former team of the beloved Gerry McNamara, while he only played one season there, they should honor Gerry and rename the team the Bakersfield McNamaras.

Iowa Energy - I blame the Miami Heat. Somehow they made it acceptable for words like Heat and Energy to become team names. Look, corn is big in Iowa, they are using corn to make ethanol, an alternative fuel source, so at least get creative - the Iowa Ethanol at least has a little flair.


BOSS said...

Great post guy...terrible nicknames annoy me to no end...Effing 14ers??? Paging Dr. Daniels.

josh from cuse country said...

You think these are bad, you obviously haven't checked out the list of ABA teams recently. It gets much worse over there than just Raging Bullz. Try the Vermont Frost Heaves or the Georgia Gwizzlies (no that is not a typo).

Granted, the ABA is the toejam of American pro basketball (in terms of both quality of play and soundness of organization) and they have literally dozens of teams each trying to squeeze out a marginal profit from a disinterested public. So it's less heinous for them to have crappy nicknames than it is for the D-league.