Notre Dame Coach Mike Brey - This one is easy, lose the damn mock turtlenecks, you smug bastard.
Georgetown Coach John Thompson III - You've revived the program, now it's time to work on that smile.
Marquette Coach Tom Crean - You might want to lodge a complaint against "Antarctic hero" Tom Crean, he's stealing your limelight when people do Google searches.
Cincinnati Coach Mick Cronin- You're really short, we'd suggest some bigger shoes, maybe some stripper heals, once you get used to walking in them you're neck will thank you - less staring straight up.
South Florida Coach Stan Heath - Honestly, who told you the porn 'stache was a good idea? Stephon Marbury?
- Quit walking all over the damn court Calhoun.
Connecticut Coach Jim Calhoun
Pittsburgh Coach Jamie Dixon - Bring back Karl Krauser, he killed the 'cuse forever, but he was a favorite of T3I
Rutgers Coach Fred Hill - Contacts Freddie Boy, contacts. They won't fall off when you blow a gasket.
Louisville Coach Rick Pitino - Give is more rants like this one please.
Seton Hall Coach Bobby Gonzalez - We don't care what you do, as long as you don't rebuild the program, the conference is tough enough as it it.
St. John's Coach Norm Roberts - You are hundreds of wins behind Lou Carnesecca and there's only one way to catch him - sweaters man, sweaters.