Here at T3I, we go to the ends of the earth to bring you exclusive content and coverage you'll find nowhere else. As such, we hired Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad (ret) who is now working part time as a private eye to find out what's really going on with the New England Patriots. Needless to say, it's some crazy stuff. The following is an actual transcript of a conversation Belichick and Brady had on Monday, January 21, at 7 am at Belichick's house outside of Boston.
Brady: You're serious aren't you?
BB: I've gone well over 50 years without cracking a joke, you think I'm going to start now?
Brady: OK, what's the plan?
BB: Look, for the next two weeks everything little thing we do will be scrutinized more than ever and some of our guys are starting to crack.
Brady: Bullshit, you're more paranoid than usual.
BB: Yesterday after the game Moss was wandering around mumbling to himself and hiding granola bars in his beard. If he has to answer domestic violence questions for 2 weeks straight, I'm pretty sure he's going to lose it.
Brady: Randy's fine.
BB: Welker took the last Diet Coke last night and Moss almost decapitated him and stuffed the body in a locker. You didn't see it because you were on the phone with the model broad you've been banging.
Brady: For the 100th time, her name's Giselle. Now what's the plan?
BB: Look, you can handle all this crap, so grab a walking boot from the trainer's room, get down to NYC, and show up at the underwear model's house. Bring some flowers too, flowers are always a nice touch. I'll have an intern call TMZ with a stolen cell phone, I've got a gross of them in my trunk.
Brady: Her name is Giselle.
BB: Whatever. Then make sure you hit the town for the next couple of nights, leave your schedule with me, we'll take care of the press. You know the deal, take the walking boot off, hide the ankle - cowboy boots might work - just mess with them.
Brady: Cowboy boots? I don't even own cowboy boots!
BB: Just get some dickhead, better yet, I'll have a pair waiting for you in the bimbo's apartment.
Brady: Her name is Giselle and she's not a bimbo. Now how are you going to have boots waiting for me?
BB: Don't worry about it - and I've told you, don't ask me how I get shit done, I just do OK.
Brady: Fine - then what.
BB: I'll hold you out of practice for a day or so, we'll release some pictures of Matt Cassell looking more scared than usual and life will be good. Coughlin will be so confused and fired up, he won't know what do to.
Brady: Cassell's a terrible actor, he'll blow it.
BB: You think I'm dumb enough to tell him the truth? He will honestlybelieve he might play, the look of fear will be real.
Brady: You really might be insane.
BB: Insane huh? Did you think I was insane when I paid Anthony Smith 10 grand to predict a Steeler win? Was that insane? Last time I checked that worked out pretty well.
Brady: You DID WHAT?
BB: Look, your morons were losing focus, in consecutive weeks we almost lost to teams lead by AJ Feeley and Kyle Boller. Pittsburgh was decent, I couldn't take a chance.
Brady: I know I'm not supposed to ask...
BB: Pioli got his masters from Syracuse, coached there for a bit, he's still got connections up the ass at that place. Smith graduated from there, put 2 and 2 together pretty boy.
Brady: Enough, enough, you're making my head hurt - I've got to get going
BB: Good, now get out here. Oh and Tom, make sure you wrap it up, I don't want to read that DiCaprio's ex pulled the goalie on you like that actress did.
Brady: For the love of God man, her name is Giselle.
BB: Just get going, you've got work to do.