Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Selig Makes Lucrative Offer to Thomas

In what can only be described as surprising news, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has offered New York Knicks Coach Isiah Thomas the position of President & Chief Operating Officer of Major League Baseball. If he accepts, Thomas will take over for Bob DuPay, who while currently still in the position, is actually dead.

In an interview with T3I explaining the official offer Selig said, "Major League Baseball needs to look to the future. I'm not going to be around forever and let's face it, Dupay has been dead for the last two years. It's funny, he died the day after I saw Weekend at Bernie's on TBS and I figured, what the heck, let's give it a shot. However, the time has come to start looking to the future and end this charade - I mean have you seen his official photo? Polar bears have better color than this man, so we figured it was time to actively recruit someone from outside the game who could lead us in the future, and once I started thinking about it, there was really only one choice - Isiah Thomas."

"Zeke has solid experience as a former league executive with the CBA, he's used to working in the media spotlight, and let's face it - he reminds me of a younger version of myself, a guy who can weather a few minor bumps in the road."

Sources close to Selig said this decision has been in the works for months, as he admires the way Thomas has been able to squander resources, make terrible personnel decisions, put awful teams and the floor, lose sexual harassment cases, and still keep his job. The prevalent theory is that Selig knows that there are only a few people in the world besides himself who despite glaring incompetence, can keep their jobs, so even though Thomas has no real experience in baseball, he was making the move now to try and get him on board.

There is also speculation on the interwebs that this decision was announced today to take the media spotlight off of John Rocker's latest sensational claims that Selig knew he used steroids and turned a blind eye to the issue.

When asked directly about that, Selig told us, "I can't comment on anything at this time, but let me tell you, I didn't even know what a steroid was until 2005, so anything Rocker says about that just can't be true. John Rocker has no credibility, he's the Jose Canseco of pitchers. If you want to talk about pitchers and steroids, let's talk about Roger Clemens, he's a guy I can believe when we get into that discussion."

There was no immediate comment from Thomas or the Knicks regarding the offer.

No comments: