Burress Diagnosed with Wide Receiveritis

(Idiot News Service) - News reports today from New York Giants mini-camp report that disgruntled wide receiver Plaxico Burress is sitting out of team activities, due to a contract dispute. T3Is have learned exclusively that Burress' lack of participation is actually being caused by a common, yet largely untreatable disease called wide receiveritis.

While team officials wouldn't speak on the record about Plaxico's condition, Dr. Dick Fitzwell, OB/GYN explained to us the symptoms of the disease include demands for large sums of money, petulance, an increased demand for attention and/or adulation, severe narcissism and in extremely isolated cases, cravings for Bud Dry.

Dr. Fitzwell explained that the disease has many causes, including: an extremely productive or break out season; other receivers signing large contracts; a general lack of attention; a lack of oblong objects being hurled at them, and being the subject of extreme abuse during Sundays, generally in the fall.

While there is no known cure, in some instances it is treatable - although recurrences are fairly common. Known treatments include giving the patient large sums of money - preferably guaranteed, moving the patient to a different area of the country and then giving him large sums of money, and in certain cases devising ratios as to how many times balls will be fired in their direction. If left untreated, wide receiveritis has been known to be fatal to the team, so patients who have contracted the disease should be treated carefully.

At this time the Giants have not publicly said what course of treatment they plan to pursue.