If Baseball Teams Were Broads - the AL East

A little over a week ago, we did a few moments with a Mets fan - a chat with Met die hard Res Ispa. This dopey interview (which Champ does not want to revisit) spawned a great idea from reader bbrown0707, who said

"If the Mets were a broad - you would not go anywhere near her, no matter how hot she was." I love this analogy. I would like to formally request a series of "If the [MLB Team] were a broad..."

Well bbrown0707, consider your request granted. We proudly bring to you a series we may or may not finish, called If MLB teams were broads. Today, we tackle the AL East and we'll start with two contributions from bbrown - which have been slightly modified by us:

The Yankees

If the Yankees were a broad, they would be a hot milf trophy wife. Very attractive yet a little past her prime and it takes a lot of money and plastic surgery to keep up appearances. Also, she isn't that good in bed anymore.

If the Yankees were a broad, they would be - Demi Moore

The Red Sox

If the Red Sox were a broad, they would be a girl who was semi-cute, yet prior to 2004 no one ever paid attention to her. Her personality is completely obnoxious and makes everyone else trash her, yet she thinks she's hot shit and all her girlfriends blindly follow her and have no clue that everyone despises them. She gets obscenely drunk at the bar because she can and is still riding a wave of tremendous popularity.

If the Red Sox were a broad, they would be Paris Hilton.

Tampa Bay

If the Rays were a broad, they would be the fat chick that no matter how hard she tried, could never break in with the popular crowd. Even though she's been hanging around near the popular girls, she's never been anything more than a nuisance or an afterthought. Everyone agrees that she'd be hot if she lost some weight, but even when she drops a few pounds, no one believes it will last.

If the Rays were a broad, they would be Carnie Wilson

Toronto

If the Blue Jays were a broad, they'd be the exchange student that, while she's good looking, doesn't quite fit in with the culture and seems slightly out of place. Her popularity peaked in the 1990s, yet she still stages occasional rallies, losing some weight and becoming popular again, yet, she can never fully break through and return to the height of her popularity. She's in her 30s, single and trolling the bars waiting to pounce.

If the Blue Jays were a broad, they would be Alanis Morissette.

Baltimore

If the Orioles were a broad, they'd be the chick that was smokin hot in the 1980s, but gradually declined as the decade wore on. The 1990s brought a relationship with a rich famous guy that has ended in disaster, as a result they are a tragic mess of wasted potential and generally a lost cause.

If the Orioles were a broad, they'd be Tawny Kitaen.