I just returned from a little vacation and I am digging out at work - I'll try and get back to conventional posting schedule next week - however, if you'll indulge me for a second, I have a rant that's neither timely nor controversial.
The ESPYs suck. All awards shows suck really, and the proliferation of them is easily one of the most annoying and alarming trends going on in society today. I'm dead serious about this, people can worry all they want about global hunger, AIDS in Africa, salmonella tainted vegetables and the fact that every American already weighs 400 pounds, but mark my words, awards shows are a true threat to us all. One day we'll reach that tipping point when some group decides to throw an awards ceremony for the very best performances by gay dogs in film -- and when that day comes and the show airs on Animal Planet or some other network - people's heads will spontaneously explode. Don't act surprised, you heard it here first.
Which brings me to the ESPYs. The whole idea is completely retarded. You have awards like the Oscars to bestow honors on the best movies of the year. Why do they do this? To determine a winner of course. No Country for Old Men and There Will be Blood can't head to the Superdome to play a game to determine which was the best film of 2007, so we have judges fill out silly little ballots and a judgement call is made and presto - you have a winner. I get that.
The whole idea of sports is to determine a winner through direct competition. So to give awards out to teams going against each other in different sports, most of which have already won something is obviously dumb TV stunt. Dumb and pointless I may add - I don't think there are bidding wars on ebay going on for stolen ESPYs, and if there is, I may go chug some anti-freeze.
So while I'm not a fan of the concept, it is easy enough to ignore. I'm a grown man, I own multiple TVs, I know how to change the channel, its easy enough to avoid. However, this past week, instead of ignoring another dumb awards show, I stumbled upon further evidence that the ESPYs have reached a whole new level of suckitude.
This past Sunday my girlfriend and I are on vacation in a small New England town on the Eastern seaboard, sitting in a bar having a few after dinner drinks. This town isn't very big, it's a Sunday night, and there aren't very many degenerates like us sucking down beers at the end of a weekend, so it's quiet. It was also a quiet sports night, because on the TV they are playing the ESPYs and a funny thing happened - she became engrossed in the broadcast.
Now this is a woman that tolerates my sports obsession and is generally good natured about the whole thing. She's aware of sports, knows who most of the famous sports people are, but if we didn't live together ESPN would never, ever be something she'd watch on her own. She'd probably watch town meetings on the public access channel first.
So I found it fascinating that she could not get enough of the ESPYs the other night, actually remarking that she wished the volume was higher. She was genuinely interested in what was happening, and I was dumbfounded. I'm fully aware it was almost solely because Justin Timberlake was the host - I don't even blame her for that one. He's richer, younger, more talented and better looking than I am - so I suppose she was lost in thought thinking about where her life went so horribly wrong - but my God man, any show that claims to be about sports, and captures the attention of my girlfriend the way that show did on Sunday night is the ultimate proof that the ESPYs are evil.
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