Champ '08

Welcome back from a holiday weekend. I hope everyone enjoyed a weekend full of grilled meats and cold beverage. Along with celebrating Independence Day, I celebrated my birthday this weekend. Once you've reached your mid 30's, birthdays start to lose a little of their excitement. Let's be honest, after 21 they all kind of go downhill.

But this year I reached another milestone. I turned 35. Depressing as that may be, according to the US Constitution it means I can finally be elected President of the United States. So after careful deliberations with my close advisor Russianator, I'm officially throwing my hat in the ring. Move over Obama and McCain, the Idiot Party has arrived.

My first official act as candidate is to outline my platform and agenda. Now I very know well I don't have the constitutional authority to do 95% of what I will outline, but then again....we're talking about an idiot running for President. My fellow idiots, here is what you can expect from my administration:

• Introduce legislation to Congress making the Monday after the Superbowl a national holiday
• Ditto the 1st two days of the NCAA tournament in March-- there is no reason we should suffer at the office when college hoops starts at noon and runs until midnight for two straight days
• Charge the FCC with allowing televised poker on one channel only
• Mandate that reruns of "Cheers" be easily found in any TV viewing audience nationwide
• Require the DH rule in the National League, it's time. Sorry to all "purists" but watching a pitcher try and lay down a bunt is not fun
• I'm going to pull a TMQ and advocate that the NFL Sunday Ticket and March Madness on Demand be offered to us cable subscribers, and not just reserved for Direct TV owners
• A return to normal college football scheduling: one game on Thursday nights....Fridays go back to the high school game. Remember when the Thursday night game actually meant something?
• An executive order banning the same informercial from running on multiple stations at the same time. Sorry Billy, Usedcarking and Charlie Caprara.
• College football playoff (Playoff?)....it will happen.
• Advocating for the return of Man vs. Beast on Fox. Let's be honest, you can't get enough moments like this, this, and this.
• Federal funding to buyout the contracts of GRob and DGross. Additional aid to be supplied to put air conditioning in the Dome. I don't care if it is only needed twice a year, I'm tired of sweating during September games.

More to be announced in the coming weeks my fellow idiots. We can do this.