Like millions upon millions of red-blooded Americans I love the NFL. I love college football too, but out of the three of us, I’m definitely the NFL guy in the bunch. Most Sundays you can find me at a local sports bar in the Capital Region attempting to watch as many games as possible.
Quick aside, when you first settle into a place that has the Sunday Ticket, it’s impossible to concentrate on anything. Its sensory overload, for the first half hour my eyes are jumping all over the place like a kid with ADD that’s just slammed a 6 pack of double dipped Nerds. There’s skill involved in going to places like that – after a while you settle in and find your groove, and are able to switch your attention from game to game without missing much, but for the first game of the season it’s going to be rough – but hey, I’ll suffer through.
Anyway, in a feature that will probably be impossible to replicate every week because it takes too long and is actually requires me to think, I’ll look at every NFL game of the coming weekend, offer some witty comments and pick the games. If you’re in an office pool, or make some wagers “for recreational purposes only” feel free to use the advice I dispense here. Actually, you are better off doing the opposite of what’s below – you’ve been warned.
Washington at the NY Giants
Look for the Redskins new offense to struggle and the G-men to………wait a minute, you already know how this one turns out. For the record, I picked the Giants to win in my office pool yesterday, even though I hate them.
Detroit at Atlanta
The Matt Ryan era begins, but it’s a rough beginning because we all know that Jon Kitna channels God on the field. Mr. Kitna leads Detroit to a 31-17 victory over the Falcons and pundits immediately declare that the Lions are ready to be contenders this year, only to have Matt Millen publicly state that his 37 year rebuilding plan is not yet in place. There are rumors he's eyeing Greg Robinson as his next coach.
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Two weeks ago all we heard was that Joe Flacco was nowhere near ready to play in the NFL, now he’s starting. Have fun with that Ravens fans, this time a year ago the dude was playing I-AA ball. The Bengals defense stinks, but it doesn’t matter in this one – the only question is whether Chad Johnson will bite the head off a bat as part of a TD celebration. Bengals 28 Ravens 10.
Seattle at Buffalo
Call me crazy, but I actually think Dick Jauron is a good coach. Look at Buffalo’s roster, there aren’t any stars there, yet they’re competitive all the time. Seattle on a long flight across the country stumbles to the Bills, 21-17. Bills fans immediately declare the team front runners for the Superbowl and simultaneously declare war on the city of Toronto.
St. Louis at Philadelphia
You heard it here first, McNabb is going to have a big year – and it starts versus St. Louis. Marc Bulger is made of paper mache, and the Eagles improved secondary will allow Jim Johnson to blitz the living hell out of him. Even without and receivers, the birds win this one 31-20. Stephen Jackson will probably have a big day, as Philly has never been able to stop the run, so rejoice fantasy football players.
Jacksonville at Tennessee
These two teams trying to prove that wide receivers aren’t needed to be successful (like my fantasy teams). I’m going with a hunch on this one and taking the Titans at home, as Matt Jones gets a little edgy when he doesn't have any place to score before a game. Besides, people are a little too high on Jacksonville this year – who is David Garrard going to throw to? Titans 17 Jags 14
Houston at Pittsburgh
I think the Texans will continue to get better, but they aren’t beating the Steelers on opening weekend in Heinz field. 27-17 Steelers.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Can Tampa move the ball? Can New Orleans stop anyone? Was Mike Ditka responsible for making Gustav spare the city of New Orleans? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, but here's what I do know -- for every good season Gruden cobbles together, he usually follows that with a shitty one. Add in the fact that the Saints learned last year they can’t just show up and beat people and I'm going with a good old fashioned ass kicking - Saints 35 – Bucs 10
Kansas City at New England
Chiefs fans – here’s the only good thing I can say about your season – Brodie Croyle’s wife is hot. The Patriots take out 8 months of rage on the Chiefs and afterwards, instead of shaking hand, Belichick knees Herm Edwards in the balls. New England 100,000 Chiefs -17
NY Jets at Miami
My friends who are jets fans are REALLY pumped up for this game. Peter King is already writing love poems about Brett Favre that will pass for his next column. Bill Parcells is trying to see if Carl Banks wants to come out of retirement. Give me the Jets 24-23 in this one.
Dallas at Cleveland
Last year the Cleveland defense stunk, this year in the preseason their whole team stunk. Everyone loves Dallas this year, and everyone hates Cleveland and expects them to take a big step back. That means only one thing, a close game. Cowgirls 31 Brownies 28. 4 tds and 3 picks for Derek Anderson.
Carolina at San Diego
If Steve Smith punches Shawne Merriman’s knee in the woods and Roger Goodell doesn’t hear it, does he get suspended or does Merriman get surgery? Discuss. As far as the game goes, this year is make or break for Phillip Rivers, right now I’m solidly in the “he’s just good enough to get your hopes up and then kill you” camp, but I’m not picking against LT at home. Give me Chargers 24 Panthers 21
Arizona at San Fran
Is J.T. O’Sullivan the Kurt Warner of 1999, or the Kurt Warner of 2005? We will soon find out. As far as Kurt Warner goes, is he still married to the woman who looks like his mom? Either way, give me the Cardinals on the road, just because 34 - 24.
Chicago at Indy
Kyle Orton’s neck beard versus Peyton Manning’s Hall of Fame career………I'm going out on a limb here, Indy wins this one 31-10.
Minnesota at Green Bay
If you need to know anything about this game, it’s that you don’t pick against Aaron Rodgers at home* Green Bay 7 – Minny 6
Quick aside, when you first settle into a place that has the Sunday Ticket, it’s impossible to concentrate on anything. Its sensory overload, for the first half hour my eyes are jumping all over the place like a kid with ADD that’s just slammed a 6 pack of double dipped Nerds. There’s skill involved in going to places like that – after a while you settle in and find your groove, and are able to switch your attention from game to game without missing much, but for the first game of the season it’s going to be rough – but hey, I’ll suffer through.
Anyway, in a feature that will probably be impossible to replicate every week because it takes too long and is actually requires me to think, I’ll look at every NFL game of the coming weekend, offer some witty comments and pick the games. If you’re in an office pool, or make some wagers “for recreational purposes only” feel free to use the advice I dispense here. Actually, you are better off doing the opposite of what’s below – you’ve been warned.
Washington at the NY Giants
Look for the Redskins new offense to struggle and the G-men to………wait a minute, you already know how this one turns out. For the record, I picked the Giants to win in my office pool yesterday, even though I hate them.
Detroit at Atlanta
The Matt Ryan era begins, but it’s a rough beginning because we all know that Jon Kitna channels God on the field. Mr. Kitna leads Detroit to a 31-17 victory over the Falcons and pundits immediately declare that the Lions are ready to be contenders this year, only to have Matt Millen publicly state that his 37 year rebuilding plan is not yet in place. There are rumors he's eyeing Greg Robinson as his next coach.
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Two weeks ago all we heard was that Joe Flacco was nowhere near ready to play in the NFL, now he’s starting. Have fun with that Ravens fans, this time a year ago the dude was playing I-AA ball. The Bengals defense stinks, but it doesn’t matter in this one – the only question is whether Chad Johnson will bite the head off a bat as part of a TD celebration. Bengals 28 Ravens 10.
Seattle at Buffalo
Call me crazy, but I actually think Dick Jauron is a good coach. Look at Buffalo’s roster, there aren’t any stars there, yet they’re competitive all the time. Seattle on a long flight across the country stumbles to the Bills, 21-17. Bills fans immediately declare the team front runners for the Superbowl and simultaneously declare war on the city of Toronto.
St. Louis at Philadelphia
You heard it here first, McNabb is going to have a big year – and it starts versus St. Louis. Marc Bulger is made of paper mache, and the Eagles improved secondary will allow Jim Johnson to blitz the living hell out of him. Even without and receivers, the birds win this one 31-20. Stephen Jackson will probably have a big day, as Philly has never been able to stop the run, so rejoice fantasy football players.
Jacksonville at Tennessee
These two teams trying to prove that wide receivers aren’t needed to be successful (like my fantasy teams). I’m going with a hunch on this one and taking the Titans at home, as Matt Jones gets a little edgy when he doesn't have any place to score before a game. Besides, people are a little too high on Jacksonville this year – who is David Garrard going to throw to? Titans 17 Jags 14
Houston at Pittsburgh
I think the Texans will continue to get better, but they aren’t beating the Steelers on opening weekend in Heinz field. 27-17 Steelers.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Can Tampa move the ball? Can New Orleans stop anyone? Was Mike Ditka responsible for making Gustav spare the city of New Orleans? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, but here's what I do know -- for every good season Gruden cobbles together, he usually follows that with a shitty one. Add in the fact that the Saints learned last year they can’t just show up and beat people and I'm going with a good old fashioned ass kicking - Saints 35 – Bucs 10
Kansas City at New England
Chiefs fans – here’s the only good thing I can say about your season – Brodie Croyle’s wife is hot. The Patriots take out 8 months of rage on the Chiefs and afterwards, instead of shaking hand, Belichick knees Herm Edwards in the balls. New England 100,000 Chiefs -17
NY Jets at Miami
My friends who are jets fans are REALLY pumped up for this game. Peter King is already writing love poems about Brett Favre that will pass for his next column. Bill Parcells is trying to see if Carl Banks wants to come out of retirement. Give me the Jets 24-23 in this one.
Dallas at Cleveland
Last year the Cleveland defense stunk, this year in the preseason their whole team stunk. Everyone loves Dallas this year, and everyone hates Cleveland and expects them to take a big step back. That means only one thing, a close game. Cowgirls 31 Brownies 28. 4 tds and 3 picks for Derek Anderson.
Carolina at San Diego
If Steve Smith punches Shawne Merriman’s knee in the woods and Roger Goodell doesn’t hear it, does he get suspended or does Merriman get surgery? Discuss. As far as the game goes, this year is make or break for Phillip Rivers, right now I’m solidly in the “he’s just good enough to get your hopes up and then kill you” camp, but I’m not picking against LT at home. Give me Chargers 24 Panthers 21
Arizona at San Fran
Is J.T. O’Sullivan the Kurt Warner of 1999, or the Kurt Warner of 2005? We will soon find out. As far as Kurt Warner goes, is he still married to the woman who looks like his mom? Either way, give me the Cardinals on the road, just because 34 - 24.
Chicago at Indy
Kyle Orton’s neck beard versus Peyton Manning’s Hall of Fame career………I'm going out on a limb here, Indy wins this one 31-10.
Minnesota at Green Bay
If you need to know anything about this game, it’s that you don’t pick against Aaron Rodgers at home* Green Bay 7 – Minny 6
* this only applies when the other team’s quarterback is named Tarvaris
Denver at Oakland
Every game that Javon Walker plays that doesn’t end in a mugging is a good game for him. Mike and Mike will be calling this game, the east coast will be asleep and there will be a bunch of morons dressed up in Halloween costumes in Oakland. Here's a thought, what if all those Raider fans put on white jump suits like Al Davis? Do you think he'd even notice at this point?
Denver 10 Oakland 7
Denver at Oakland
Every game that Javon Walker plays that doesn’t end in a mugging is a good game for him. Mike and Mike will be calling this game, the east coast will be asleep and there will be a bunch of morons dressed up in Halloween costumes in Oakland. Here's a thought, what if all those Raider fans put on white jump suits like Al Davis? Do you think he'd even notice at this point?
Denver 10 Oakland 7
Enjoy the games everyone.
3 comments:
As far as Kurt Warner goes, is he still married to the woman who looks like his dad?
FYP.
Honestly, that's a GOOD picture of Brenda Warner. He's a handsome dude.
I thought Kurt Warner married the mom from "Webster."
Post a Comment