Monday, December 29, 2008

The Captain's NFL Regular Season Awards

As we all know, the NFL concluded it's regular season last night in wild fashion and to mark the occasion, honorary idiot The Captain checks in from his bunker deep in the Pennsyltucky woods and provides us with his NFL regular season awards. The thoughts below are his, with a few of my comments tossed in for good measure.

Before we get started, a word on why Champ refrains from chiming in much on the NFL - he's a Raiders fan. Al Davis and his rampant senility have taken the game away from Champ. With a new year almost upon us, think about this for a second, Champ has had to endure four years of Greg Robinson AND Al Davis. The lesson sports fans - it can always be worse - unless you have TO on your team, then you're fucked.

Without further delay - I present to you "The Captain's Regular Season NFL Awards"


What an amazing day of football yesterday. Let me offer a cheesy year end wrap up. If you know anything about the Captain, you know next to gravy shots, I love me some cheese.
Best Feel Good Story

NFC -The Atlanta Falcons
AFC - Miami Dolphins

I think the Falcons/Dolphins picks speak for themselves. You have to have lived under a rock not to have noticed the huge turn around for these two franchises. Think about these points:

1)Last year's Dolphins were this year's Lions if not for a couple of fluke plays.
2) Before this year any conversation about the Falcons used to lead to a Mike Vick conversation.
3)These two teams combined for a 5-27 record last year, this year they went 22-10. People can say what they want about Parcells - he knows how to assemble winning teams, he understands chemistry. ED NOTE - except in Dallas

The Just Glad To Still Be Playing Awards

NFC - Philadelphia Eagles
AFC - San Diego Chargers

Andy Reid is going to end up in hell for eternity for the results that came about yesterday. That is the ONLY explanation on what went down. Every year the "hanging on by a thread teams scenarios" are hashed, re-hashed, re-re-hashed, only to come up short. The only explanation of the Birds getting in is that Andy has sold his soul to the devil. You NEVER get the scenarios to play out right, yet they did for Philly yesterday.

As far as the Chargers go, I feel no sympathy for Mike Shanahan and his "White Chicklet Gum" teeth. You need to seal the deal. You were the first place team for the entire year.... until the last game of the year. Kudos to the Bolts, you ran the year end gauntlet. Phillip Rivers gave you the cliched "new season, everyone is 0-0 speech at the end of the game." Well your, reward for this is getting to play the Colts. A Manning is coming to play in the post season. Best of luck to you all.

The Implosion of the Year Award

NFC - Dallas Cowboys
AFC - Denver Broncos

"Mr. Phillips, Dr. Kevorkian on line one." This pleases me. I'm not going to be one of those I hate Dallas guys...ok, I will but just a little. Did anyone honestly think Wade Phillips was going to be a championship coach? Really? Here is what I think. Jerry Jones is Al Davis's love child. You have to be sewn from the same fabric to act like these two do. I will say this, Dallas is loaded with talent, potential, and EGO.

"Mr . Shanahan, this is Jack Kevorkian calling. I got you number from Wade Phillips." Talk about collapses. I don't know what it is about the Broncos, but I just dislike them. I think this stems from one of my best friend being a HUGE fan. Three weeks ago, do you think anyone in the locker room thought they wouldn't be playing after yesterday?

ED NOTE: I would have put Tampa Bay in here, but between Chucky and the Magic Rat, you really can't go wrong.

The This Makes the Captain Happy Awards

NFC - Birds over the Cowboys to get in
AFC - Pats don't get in with an 11-5 record

There are few things that compare to my dislike of the Cowboys. My disgust for all things Boston is really close. I love the fact I will not be subjected to Belichick pressers for the next month and a half. Have some emotion/excitement you robotic prick. And for Christs sake, do me a favor and wear something other than a sweatsuit to every game and press conference. Rumor has it you star QB is dating someone who knows a little about fashion. Mix it up once in a while.

Some final thoughts

The only team in the NFC West to score more points than their opponents were the Cardinals (427 pf to 426 pa - net points +1....confident Cardinal fans ??? )

Drew Brees - 15 yards short of the record for most pass yards in a season. Go find a receiver that dropped a 16 yard pass this year and punch him in the face.

Let the FAVRE conversations start.... again

8 of the 12 playoff teams mascots are either birds, (Eagles, Cardinals, Falcons, Ravens) or large men (Titans, Giants, Vikings, Steelers). Hey Steelers fans, there's a decent shot your starting QB could be Byron Leftwich.... oh the humanity.

And congrats to Mike Singletary, you've earned it.

- The Captain

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