Thursday, December 4, 2008

Breaking News on the Syracuse Coaching Search


SYRACUSE, N.Y. (Idiot News Service) - Late Thursday night the Idiot News Service learned exclusively that Syracuse University Athletic Director DOCTOR Daryl Gross is planning to extend the search for Syracuse's next head football coach indefinitely. The source reports that Gross has enjoyed the process and attention it has brought so much, he wants too see how far he can string this thing out.

Speaking anonymously the source said, "Everyone knows the Doctor likes to be the center of attention and right now he's loving the fact that every Syracuse fan in the nation is hanging on his every movement. If he announces a new coach tomorrow or early next week - where does the focus go? To the new coach, not to him, so he's going to try and draw it out. He even tried to call the search 'NY's coaching search, brought to you by Daryl Gross' but the administration finally put a stop to that."

Multiple other sources have confirmed Gross plans to take the search global and said he's planning on heading to Germany to interview several unemployed former NFL Europe coaches. Upon hearing the news, the entire Berlin Adler coaching staff put out a statement saying that none of the coaches want to be considered as candidates.
Other rumors that have not been confirmed say that Gross is looking to hire a coach that looks just like him, because when you look good, you coach good.

The news is already causing an uproar among Syracuse fans who have been taking to message boards, blogs and web sites in record numbers to discuss the issue. When told of the possible delay, Marv Stemberger, who posts on various message boards under the handle DeezNuts69 was outraged. Stemberger said, "This is bullshit man. Do you know how many coaches I've endorsed on these message boards? No - well I neither do I, but it's a lot. I can't keep talking out my ass and making shit up on every name that keeps popping up, I'm almost out of material. Besides, my boss at Home Depot keeps asking me why I'm constantly on the computer looking up product codes."

A blogger going by the nonsensical name "Russianator" was equally disappointed in the decision saying, "Indefinitely? Come on, we can't do this forever, there are more important things to focus on like a very special start to the basketball season. Do you know that Jim Boeheim has a perfect season going so far this year? It's true, he's gone eight straight games without getting caught on camera picking his nose. But can we focus on that? Of course not, because we're too busy worrying about what guys named Skip and Chip and Al will do. Damn it, set bloggers free!"

Poncho Sinatra, of the blog The Sport Hump freaked out when told there might not be a new head coach for months. "Months? Are you F-ing kidding me? How the hell can we draw fake mustaches on someone if there is no someone? This is an outrage, not just too us, but to mustaches in general."

Calls to the athletic department for official comment were not returned and at the time of this writing Syracuse officials have been mum on the search.

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