Monday, March 16, 2009

Don't Be That Guy: Bracket Edition

"What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy." ~ Jeremy Piven (Droz) P.C.U.

It's that time of year again. Your office is buzzing with the excitement that is March Madness office pool. While you are working on coming up with a good excuse for calling in sick on Friday, consider these guys you don't want to be while completing your brackets. A special thanks to my fellow idiots the Russianator and Boss (yes he's alive people) for their help with our list.

Mr. Going Out on a Limb: This is the wild and crazy guy who really goes out on a limb come tournament time. He has all four #1 seeds making the tournament. We know it happened last year (that makes one time in the history of the 64-team field) -- but its as thoughtful as a Whitman's Sampler on Valentine's Day. Come on people you are better than that.

It's Not the Heat It's the Humidity Guy: This is the guy in your office who is the master of the obvious. They are famous for letting you know "That 9 beating an 8 really isn't an upset you know." Really? His other famous words...."You know a 12 always beats a 5." Thanks pal.

Power Conference Guy: This so-called basketball fan sees names like Gonzaga, Xavier & Creighton and assumes that this is their first trip to the dance. His bracket is dotted with UCLAs, Minnesotas, Texas and Clemsons. He's often suggesting Happy Hour locations in chain restaurants...I think you get the idea. Anyone up for some riblets at Applebee's?

Daddy No-bucks Guy: This is the guy who refuses to participate in the office pool because he "never gambles." It's $5 people, suck it up. My bet is you probably have $5 in change in your car right now.

Xerox Guy: This is the guy that fills out 20 different bracket sheets, but remarkably has the same final four in each one. If the economic mess has taught us anything....diversify that portfolio!

Leave it to Junior Guy: He lets his 12yo fill out the bracket, he usually ends up winning.

Fantasyland Guy: He picks his brackets according to "which mascot would win in a fight." T3I disclosure: The Russianator admits doing this once.

Local Yokel Guy: This guy's bracket will feature the local teams overacheiving their way one to two rounds further than anyone else would deem reasonable. This buckeye state resident has Ohio State in the Final 4 , Dayton in the Elite 8, with Cleveland State and Ohio U. getting to the Sweet 16. He also has no chance of winning the pool so you keep feeding him multiple entries to build up the cash take. Many of us know his cousin:

Cuse is in the House Guy: My gambling career has taught me many lessons. Among them, betting and your favorite team never, EVER, mix well together. Don't pick Cuse to win it all until those "Final Four 2nd chance" pools come out.

Abbreviation Guy: This guy abbreviates every selection he makes as he fills out the bracket...Michigan is "UM", Texas A&M is "A&M", Oklahoma State and Ohio State and Oregon State are all "OSU" --- come on people your not getting charged by the megabyte here. This guy frequently doubles as a ...

WAG (Wrong Abbreviation Guy): Western Kentucky is not UWK, nor is New Mexico "NMU" --We'd seriously ban guys like this if we could.

Tom Hanks (aka the Hopeless Romantic): This guy who picks his alma mater to win it all - and his alma mater is a 15 seed.
Mr. I Told You So: It's a fun scene when everyone at the office is huddled around a TV or computer watching a big-time upset unfold. This guy will let you know that he had this upset all along on one of his 239 brackets he filled out.

The Boston College Eagle Guy: The fix is on with him as he's a natural point-shaver. This is the guy who tries to pick all the losing teams because he's trying to get the last place booby prize. To quote Herm Edwards - you PLAY TO WIN THE GAME.

So please, make sure you pick some upsets, and get those abbreviations correct. We beg you, please don't pick an all #1 seed Final Four.

Let us know who we missed.

Previously on Don't Be That Guy:


Sir Mawn Wilson said...


did you at least win the pool when you chose your bracket based on the mascot fights?

babyboss4 said...

A guy, yes I said guy at work asked me yesterday what March Madness was!!!??

Definitely DO NOT be this guy!

AJV said...

I have a quick (actually it got kind of long) story about: Not being "Cuse is in the House Guy."

It's March of 2003. In a tradition that dates back to about 1989 I filled out my bracket immediately after watching the NCAA selection show.

As I'm going through I keep saying to myself we can win this game, we can win this game. The next thing I know I have us winning it all. After seeing this my father says "never bet with your heart." I put a single line through Syracuse and write Kansas on the final line.

Fast forward to the greatest, err second greatest day of my life (CeeDubbs effect), April 7, 2003. Someone else in our tournament also had the Kansas/Syracuse championship game. Except their father didn't talk them out of leaving Syracuse on the final line. I was up by 5 points with the championship game worth 6.

Needless to say I called a local gentleman who accepts wagers on such affairs and bet the Syracuse money line and more than doubled what I would have won had I just won the bracket.

AEM said...

Tom Hanks (aka the Hopeless Romantic): This guy who picks his alma mater to win it all - and his alma mater is a 15 seed.

This is me, but my alma mater is a 1 seed!

Great job by the way, very well done!

Anonymous said...

As a Syracuse fan, Syracuse in 2003 remains my best, and least lucrative, bracket ever. The guy who ran the bracket pool in college had graduated the year before, and no one stepped up to organize anything. For shits and giggles, I through something together for Yahoo, and proceeded to pick 28/32, 15/16, 7/8, 4/4, 2/2 and, of course, Syracuse to win. Out of all the Yahoo entries I was in the 99.99% percentile, and didn't win a dime. I haven't entered in a basketball pool since, assuming that I blew a lifetime's worth of March Madness luck that year.

Anonymous said...

"We beg you, please don't pick an all #1 seed Final Four."

What's so bad with this? If you think they are the 4 best teams (as happened last year), why not pick 4 #1 seeds?

Anonymous said...

I'm Mr. Going Out On a Limb guy, and I've won four out of the last seven office pools. So I'm sorry, but I'm going to continue to be that guy.

I also am Xerox Guy too, as successfully pulling off Xerox Guy can win you both first and second place, which is what I did in '05 and '06. :)

Str8 Dope said...

Don't forget the "No Chance Guy". He's the clown that checks out all of your picks and lets you know how many have NO CHANCE of winning. Thanks fortune teller - shut your pie hole. The name also implies how much chance this guy has of getting female attention.

Anonymous said...

Conference Guy not only picks his team to win but every other team in that conference since they are the only teams has familiarity with. "And if KU can beat Oklahoma (my alma mater, for example), they can sure as hell beat "insert team here"

Anonymous said...

What about "Sorry it's late: I was in a meeting" guy who hands in his bracket at 3pm on Thursday and just so happens to have picked the first 4 games of the day correctly. He should be FIRED.