Monday, June 22, 2009

Who is Going to Guard the Wolf?

One the Three Idiots longest standing and most idiotic internal debates centers around the age old question - if the Teen Wolf basketball team played the team from Porky's, who would win? For at least the last 12 years this debate has raged among us.

I have taken the position that the Teen Wolf team would easily handle the losers from Porkys, as they have no one than can stop the Wolf. Champ has taken the flawed position that the Porky's team would prevail, contending that other than the Wolf, no one else on team Teen Wolf can beat you. Basically he's saying Teen Wolf is the mid 1980s Chicago Bulls and you "let the wolf go off."

So where am I going with this? Hollywood, in their infinite creativity and wisdom is reportedly thinking about remaking Teen Wolf. Its bad enough they are going to remake Footloose, but remaking on the quintessential basketball movie of the 1980s? (that was sarcasm people, sarcasm - no dumb Hoosier comments below please) In the words of John McEnroe, you cannot be serious.

According to the web site Movie Hole, Warner Brothers is thinking of remaking the film but "is not quite certain which way they are going to go." While I do not condone remaking this film under any circumstances, Hollywood has yet to call me up and ask my opinion on which films should get made and which shouldn't and I don't expect them to start any time soon, so let's assume this thing gets remade. Where do we go from here? Well, I have some advice - and here it is.

1. Cast someone who can actually dribble a basketball. While everyone loves Michael J. Fox, casting a Canadian midget who can't dribble without staring at the floor and has the free throw motion of an epileptic didn't quite work.

2. Cast a "Stunt Wolf" the same size as the actor who will play the Scott Howard character. As you can see in the clip below, the Stunt Wolf is at least half a foot taller than Michael J. Fox - and no I'm not buying the fact that transforming into a wolf made the character taller.

3. Upgrade Boof - both in name and in casting. First, let's start with the name. The writers decided that the love interest of the lead character would be named Boof. Really? Was Spooge suggested and shot down? Also, Boof was supposed to be the "girl next door" type, but Susan Ursitti didn't really have the goods to get it done, and judging by her post-Teen Wolf career, I'm not alone this assessment. Sorry Boof, you didn't get the job done.

4. More Coach Bobby Finstock. In addition to leading the team to their improbable victory over the Dragons with Scott, not the wolf, running the point, the man coined the greatest piece of advice I've ever heard of in my life -- "There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

If Bill Walton had played for Bobby Finstock instead of John Wooden, just imagine how much better the world would be. Bill could have spent the last 20 years as a TV commentator talking about Finstock's life lessons instead of Wooden's more traditional views.....the world would have been a better place. As such, Finstock deserves more screen time in the remake.

5. No remakes of Teen Wolf Too. Jason Bateman has been hitting it out of the park lately - looking at that one hurts.


The Captain said...

Rush, some constructive criticism if you will. I agree with 99.99 % of everything in the blog, well done. However, i would've gone with " the free throw ability of someone with parkinson disease ". Here's why......
#1 people with epilepsy (sp , who cares ) or people who are simpathetic, are going to say ..... " why are you talking smack about epileptics, man "
#2 people will say " why you picking on Michael J Fox, man . You know he has Parkisons Disease".

If you use the Parkinsons angle, at least you havent pissed of the epileptics.....

Again , great jobs of making fun of the handicapped, i appreciate the honesty

Poncho Sinatra said...

"Give me a keg of beer!"

~States angry Teen Wolf at the cashier.

Anonymous said...

Don't knock on Boof. I'd still spend some time in the closet with her.
Also, I'll be busting out my 'What are you staring at dicknose' shirt in protest. And I will be busting out of it. I put on a bit of weight since the 80's.

Carlson Crew said...

Just's all in the shoes!

"Well, Christ, Thorne, look at the sneakers those guys are wearing. If our guys had sneakers like that there's no telling what they could do. "