Syracuse, November 3, 2009 -(Idiot News Service) - After announcing the suspension of three Syracuse football players for "violation of team rules" the Idiot News Service has learned exclusively* that Syracuse University plans to ban Halloween from ever taking place again.
The decision, which has not yet been formally announced, comes on the heels of reports that the suspension of Antwon Bailey, Andrew Tiller, and Torrey Ball could be related to Mike Williams quitting the team. While the extent of the nefarious activities the players were involved in is not known at this time, what is clear is that things went down after the Cincinnati game - which was on Halloween.
The source, who refused to be named since he does not have authority to speak on behalf of the University, said the incident with the football players was the final straw - given that last year Eric Devendorf got involved in some shenanigans on Halloween that loomed over the basketball team for most of the season.
To enforce the new rule, the University plans to ban the word Halloween from appearing on campus. No Halloween themed parties or events will be sanctioned by the school, and as part of their punishment, the football players will be sent directly to the library to begin burning any books that mention Halloween.
All candy corn will be banned from campus and corn sniffing dogs will be sent into dorms to ensure students are not illegally consuming the vile candy. Anyone caught with candy corn is subject to stiff penalties, including applying thigh cream to Doug Marrone and massaging Dr. Gross' ego.
The source told T3I that while the latest incident was the final straw, many in the administration have openly detested Halloween for years and are using these incidents to push the anti-ween agenda. There is no known proof that these anti-halloweeners support the paint-ball war that went on this year - but many suspect there sympathizers on the hill.
In addition, many administration officials quietly talk about the danger of students wearing costumes that are clearly embarrassing and could paint the University in a less than flattering light.
Calls to the University were not returned.
The decision, which has not yet been formally announced, comes on the heels of reports that the suspension of Antwon Bailey, Andrew Tiller, and Torrey Ball could be related to Mike Williams quitting the team. While the extent of the nefarious activities the players were involved in is not known at this time, what is clear is that things went down after the Cincinnati game - which was on Halloween.
The source, who refused to be named since he does not have authority to speak on behalf of the University, said the incident with the football players was the final straw - given that last year Eric Devendorf got involved in some shenanigans on Halloween that loomed over the basketball team for most of the season.
To enforce the new rule, the University plans to ban the word Halloween from appearing on campus. No Halloween themed parties or events will be sanctioned by the school, and as part of their punishment, the football players will be sent directly to the library to begin burning any books that mention Halloween.
All candy corn will be banned from campus and corn sniffing dogs will be sent into dorms to ensure students are not illegally consuming the vile candy. Anyone caught with candy corn is subject to stiff penalties, including applying thigh cream to Doug Marrone and massaging Dr. Gross' ego.
The source told T3I that while the latest incident was the final straw, many in the administration have openly detested Halloween for years and are using these incidents to push the anti-ween agenda. There is no known proof that these anti-halloweeners support the paint-ball war that went on this year - but many suspect there sympathizers on the hill.
In addition, many administration officials quietly talk about the danger of students wearing costumes that are clearly embarrassing and could paint the University in a less than flattering light.
Calls to the University were not returned.
* because this isn't true
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