Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Inside the Mind of Fred Hill

I love lamp!!!!!!!!!

Syracuse went into the RAC tonight and took care of business against an inferior Rutgers team, winning 81-65. Rather than offer up the usual post-game observations for you, T3I has a special treat -- a trip inside the mind of embattled Rutgers coach Fred Hill.

Using an advanced mind reading device, we bring to you Fred's inner monologue, in diary form, as the game unfolded.

Pregame: "Tonight's the night we start to turn this ship around. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, but our new game plan -- score more than the other team -- is sure fire winner. Wooden's got nothing on the H-man." Hill then giggles maniacally while rubbing his hands together.

Tip off: "Boeheim's sending five men onto the floor???? Well it looks like this chess match is on. Well played JB, well played indeed. It's my move now." Hill sits down stares blankly at the scorers table.

19:50: The game begins: "Syracuse is in a zone???? What. The. Hell. I did not see that coming. I guess it's time to put some new SU tapes in the beta max."

16:42: Mike Rosario misses a jumper. "Jesus Rosario is playing like hell. I wonder if he really doesn't like me? But if he didn't like me, why did offer to re-do the brakes on my car? Plus, I saw him near the coffee this morning with some anti-freeze, so he's obviously winter-proofing the thing too. He's a good kid. I wonder why my coffee tasted so sweet this morning? "

13:22: Rutgers time out. Syracuse leads 15-8. "It's time to turn this around." Hill immediately summons Greg Echenique, demanding he check in. An assistant coach informs Hill Greg has decided to transfer and is no longer on the team. "Huh, I guess he wasn't kidding when he said if I gave him one more surprise jock strap inspection he's out of here."

11:56 Staring blankly into the extremely shiny floor at the RAC: "With designer glasses like these, I can't believe I haven't received a contract extension yet."

8:27 Hamady N'diaye blocks another shot. "Damn that ham-bone can get up. Best thing I ever did giving him the name ham-bone. I think he likes it. Maybe if I had given Echenique I name I could pronounce he'd still be here. Nah."

6:50 Rutgers commits a shot clock violation, Rosario makes a shot after the buzzer sounds: "I guess we should run some sets, but I just can't stop thinking about why Simon is leaving American Idol. It makes no sense. If Boeheim beats me tonight it shouldn't count. I'm just too distracted right now."

5:02 Hill calls a time out. Rutgers trails by 9: "This should turn it around." Hill proceeds to give his team the following speech -- It doesn't matter how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose. And even that doesn't make all that much difference.

4:02 Mookie Jones makes a 3, SU leads by 14: "They have a guy named Mookie? How can we compete with that? If we had a guy named Mookie we'd be top 10. Although I saw a chick named Mookie get knocked out on that Jersey Shore show, so maybe this isn't the best idea. I wonder if their Mookie knows her? I'll ask after the game."

2:02 A loud let's go orange chant breaks out: "I can't believe these people came all the way from Italy to cheer for the Orange."

Halftime SU leads 41-23: "Shit, another halftime speech. This is a crucial time in our year, we need a win. I need a win. If there was ever a time to do it, it's now. I've been saving it, but this like the right spot. It's time to break out the Finstock." Hill proceeds to give the following speech to his players in the locker room -- There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

Second Half

17:20 SU leads 48-25, Hill calls time out: "I can't believe the Finstock speech didn't work. It's time for plan B, I get Rosario really mad and hope he turns into a wolf."

16:30 Andy Rautins cans yet another 3: "If I could grow hair, I'd definitely grow that Andy Rautins faux-hawk thing. You know who has great hair - my uncle Brian. If I can get fired as many times as he has, my career will be a success."

14:33 Syracuse calls a time out, as Rutgers cuts the lead to 12: "If we get this under ten, I'm breaking out my 1-1-1-1-1 zone."

12:46 A red hot Mike Rosario makes a series of shots and helps cut the SU lead to 10: "If we had more depth Rosario would be sitting next to me. I need to save this performance for the rivalry the whole country watches, our game against Seton Hall. Making shots now is just a waste. I bet Pat Forde agrees with me."

10:30 SU leads by 12. Hill is standing in the coaches box away from the bench, deep in thought: "I don't know why people are all up in arms over Lane Kiffin. I mentioned last week in the cafeteria that I might leave and some dude bought me split pea soup. I bet that a-hole hates split pea soup. He's insane, because split-pea soup is delicious. And oddly erotic."

8:20 Mike Coburn drains a long 3 to cut the SU lead to 9: "That Jamacian really can shoot. I would have started him, but he's late on my weed delivery. He'll thank me later for the discpline he's learning."

6:27 Andy Rautins gets called for a foul on the floor 24 feet from the hoop: "If Tim Higgins was working, that would have been intentional. Higgins is the greatest ref in the history of basketball. And to me, he has the grace and moves of a day-time exotic dancer. I'm calling the league tomorrow to request Tim Higgins work more of our games."

5:41 SU leads by 12 after two Wes Johnson free throws: "I need some new pants. Why are all the Garanimals in the store so damn small."

3:40 Arinze Onuaku scores down low to give SU 15 point lead: "I'd definitely need to come up with a name for that guy if he was on this team. No way I pronounce either his first or last name. Maybe I could call him ham-bone. Crap, that'd be confusing. Artichoke would work - yeah, artichoke. Artichoke and ham-bone on the same team -- that's my dream."

Game concludes, Syracuse wins 81-65. Hill shakes hands with Boeheim and as he walks off the floor wonders: "I wonder if Tim Pernetti knows how to get mayo out of a toaster? I should ask him the next time I see him - if he'd only return one of my calls....."


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

The man's name is Fred Hill. Dynamic.

Poncho Sinatra said...

We all wish we could be Fred Hill-ish.

The Captain said...

Still chuckling from this one sir.... well done

Matt said...

Uh-oh, now you're a prime candidate to be found buried in Fred Hill's tomato garden with the other bodies.

But thanks for making that sacrifice for the sake of entertainment - that was hilarious!

Esp. love the "chess match" one...

Anonymous said...

Great stuff Neph. You are truly demented. Uncle Dave

Russianator said...

I'm certainly not right.