College football coaches have to be more than simply X and O guys. They are dealing with a bunch of 18-22 year old athletes (accept for BYU, which is a bunch of married 24 year olds with 5 kids) and as such, they need to be shapers of men.
Two incidents recently reminded sports fans of this fact. Tennessee coach Derek Dooley recently had to instruct his players on proper "shower discipline," and it was reported that after Syracuse's loss to Washington, coach Doug Marrone wasn't too pleased with his team's travel habits. So naturally, that got me thinking, which is the tougher life skill to teach - riding on an airplane or taking a shower? Let's go to the tape and break it down scientifically.
Technical Difficulty
Showering: While nearly everyone showers on a regular basis, showering properly isn't as easy as it seems. While you'd think soap, water and gravity would take care of nearly anything, there are always spots you miss. Case in point, I bet you didn't wash behind your ears today. Stick your finger back there and give it a sniff. Yeah, that's what I though. This is compounded when you factor in the size of most football players - they are twice as big as you and I. That's a lot of surface area -- and hidden spots -- to cover.
Air travel: There isn't much to riding on a plane. It goes something like this: find your seat; cram a 76 pound carry on bag into the overhead compartment; wait for the fat dude in front you to recline his seat back all the way; wait for the 3 year old behind you to start kicking your seat and ENJOY!
Advantage: Showering
Gross out factor
Showering: Did Dooley hop in the shower and take a hands on approach with 85 naked men? Were speedos involved? Was it simply a shower walk-through or was water actually running? So many questions.....
Air travel: Airline food jokes have been around forever for one reason -- because they are true. Only now, to add insult to injury, you have to pay for the shitty food before it makes you sick. Plus, there's no place for wayward smells to hide in a plane after people eat that overpriced dog crap.
Advantage: Showering
Security
Showering: I would assume at most places across the country, while it isn't easy to get into the showers of athletic facilities, you don't need to take your shoes off -- until you are in the shower anyway, although that's not recommended.
Air Travel: Airline security screeners are in interesting bunch - every wonder how those people ended up in those positions? Did they seek out law enforcement positions and were rebuffed? Are they voyeurs who like getting paid to look at other people's stuff? Or maybe they are a bunch of people who just need to work near a bad Sbarros because they can't live without pizza that tastes like cardboard. Whatever the answer is - no one gets a free pass from these people.
Advantage: Air Travel
Entertainment
Showering: Unless the showers are inside Oz, there should be very little entertainment in the shower.
Air Travel: On a recent flight to Hawaii I was subjected to the Bounty Hunter, which I can only surmise was BARELY more tolerable than prison rape. Barely.
Advantage: Showering
Opportunities for Improvement
Showering: Most people shower every day so there's plenty of room to practice the new techniques you've learned -- however, there's a downside as well. There's more opportunities to screw up. Same principle as why the Browns don't want Jake Delhomme to throw many passes this year.
Air travel: Long flights are relatively rare in college football since most teams won't sack up and seek out tough competition. It's easier to just pay East Montana State of North Dakota to come to your place and beat them silly, so opportunities for improvement are limited. The upside, less chance to screw up.
Advantage: Push
Boredom factor
Showering: If you get bored showering in close proximity to 85 other men, you obviously need more training.
Air travel: If you don't get bored on a plane you're either mildy retarded or your name's Greg Robinson.
Advantage: Air travel
Intangibles
Showering: Teaching large men how to scrub their balls and then keep their respect later that day you're trying to teach them how to execute a zone blitz is a tricky, tricky thing. You don't want your DE thinking about loofahs when he should be dropping into the flat.
Air Travel: Flying isn't hard, and while it can completely suck, even Shrek has it's positive moments - I mean Eddie Murphy, even in cartoon form, can still be funny. And if he doesn't make you laugh, just think about the time he was caught with a tranny hooker, that will always be funny.
Advantage: Showering
So there you have it, when you break it down scientifically, the numbers tell us teaching showering is more difficult than teaching guys how to ride on an airplane. But it was a lot closer than it first appeared.
Two incidents recently reminded sports fans of this fact. Tennessee coach Derek Dooley recently had to instruct his players on proper "shower discipline," and it was reported that after Syracuse's loss to Washington, coach Doug Marrone wasn't too pleased with his team's travel habits. So naturally, that got me thinking, which is the tougher life skill to teach - riding on an airplane or taking a shower? Let's go to the tape and break it down scientifically.
Technical Difficulty
Showering: While nearly everyone showers on a regular basis, showering properly isn't as easy as it seems. While you'd think soap, water and gravity would take care of nearly anything, there are always spots you miss. Case in point, I bet you didn't wash behind your ears today. Stick your finger back there and give it a sniff. Yeah, that's what I though. This is compounded when you factor in the size of most football players - they are twice as big as you and I. That's a lot of surface area -- and hidden spots -- to cover.
Air travel: There isn't much to riding on a plane. It goes something like this: find your seat; cram a 76 pound carry on bag into the overhead compartment; wait for the fat dude in front you to recline his seat back all the way; wait for the 3 year old behind you to start kicking your seat and ENJOY!
Advantage: Showering
Gross out factor
Showering: Did Dooley hop in the shower and take a hands on approach with 85 naked men? Were speedos involved? Was it simply a shower walk-through or was water actually running? So many questions.....
Air travel: Airline food jokes have been around forever for one reason -- because they are true. Only now, to add insult to injury, you have to pay for the shitty food before it makes you sick. Plus, there's no place for wayward smells to hide in a plane after people eat that overpriced dog crap.
Advantage: Showering
Security
Showering: I would assume at most places across the country, while it isn't easy to get into the showers of athletic facilities, you don't need to take your shoes off -- until you are in the shower anyway, although that's not recommended.
Air Travel: Airline security screeners are in interesting bunch - every wonder how those people ended up in those positions? Did they seek out law enforcement positions and were rebuffed? Are they voyeurs who like getting paid to look at other people's stuff? Or maybe they are a bunch of people who just need to work near a bad Sbarros because they can't live without pizza that tastes like cardboard. Whatever the answer is - no one gets a free pass from these people.
Advantage: Air Travel
Entertainment
Showering: Unless the showers are inside Oz, there should be very little entertainment in the shower.
Air Travel: On a recent flight to Hawaii I was subjected to the Bounty Hunter, which I can only surmise was BARELY more tolerable than prison rape. Barely.
Advantage: Showering
Opportunities for Improvement
Showering: Most people shower every day so there's plenty of room to practice the new techniques you've learned -- however, there's a downside as well. There's more opportunities to screw up. Same principle as why the Browns don't want Jake Delhomme to throw many passes this year.
Air travel: Long flights are relatively rare in college football since most teams won't sack up and seek out tough competition. It's easier to just pay East Montana State of North Dakota to come to your place and beat them silly, so opportunities for improvement are limited. The upside, less chance to screw up.
Advantage: Push
Boredom factor
Showering: If you get bored showering in close proximity to 85 other men, you obviously need more training.
Air travel: If you don't get bored on a plane you're either mildy retarded or your name's Greg Robinson.
Advantage: Air travel
Intangibles
Showering: Teaching large men how to scrub their balls and then keep their respect later that day you're trying to teach them how to execute a zone blitz is a tricky, tricky thing. You don't want your DE thinking about loofahs when he should be dropping into the flat.
Air Travel: Flying isn't hard, and while it can completely suck, even Shrek has it's positive moments - I mean Eddie Murphy, even in cartoon form, can still be funny. And if he doesn't make you laugh, just think about the time he was caught with a tranny hooker, that will always be funny.
Advantage: Showering
So there you have it, when you break it down scientifically, the numbers tell us teaching showering is more difficult than teaching guys how to ride on an airplane. But it was a lot closer than it first appeared.
1 comment:
(accept for BYU, which is a bunch of married 24 year old's with 5 kids)
-Best line ever
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