Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Three Idiots Big East Awards

As we await a what can only be described as an unlikely Final Four, we thought we'd put a bow on the 2010-11 Big East season by honoring the greatest conference this country has ever seen with the first - and possibly last - Three Idiots Big East Awards.

Think about it -- not only did the Big East put a record 11 teams into the tournament, the Final Four has more Big East teams than the Big Ten, PAC Ten, Big 12 and ACC combined -- and let's face it folks, you can't argue with math.

While these are new awards, rest assured they are up the standards you've all come to love and respect here at Idiots on Sports. We've actually modeled them after another prestigious Hollywood award -- the Golden Globes.  Here is a mock up of the actual trophy -- which is a replica of Selma Hayek and her wonderful Golden Globes, which seems appropriate:

The T3I Big East awards are modeled after some fantastic globes

In fact, each winner will receive a Golden Idiot trophy  (as long as they pay for shipping, handling, a small administration fee, and can help us create a trophy that looks like the picture above).

We've got a full program and don't want to run long - so let's start handing out some Golden Idiot awards:

The T3I 2010-11 Big East Idiot Awards

Player of the Year: As Syracuse fans it kills us to give any UConn player any credit for anything, but some things are too hard to ignore. Kemba Walker wins the award for putting up the following stats:

23.9 points per game, 0 stolen lap tops, no attempts to get back donations from the athletic director, no future suspensions for NCAA violations (yet) and zero attempts teach us how to Kemba. He better enjoy the award since we will never acknowlege another accomplishment from this program ever.

Coach of the Year: The Big East is filled with great coaches.  Jim Boeheim and Jim Calhoun are in the Hall of Fame.  Buzz Williams is a rising star.  Rick Pitino has won a national title and John Thompson III has actually met some great coaches.  Needless to say, this was a hard category to choose a winner.  However, when we looked at all the data, the choice was clear -- there's only one coach who was responsible for 17 regular season wins -- and that coach is former DePaul head man Jerry Wainwright.  While he didn't actually coach this year, Jerry left the cupboard so bare that the Blue Demons gave up wins as easy as Snookie gives up the goods on a Saturday night at the Jersey Shore.  In fact, Jerry would have been responsible for 18 wins, but Keno Davis was too busy plotting a career as a game show host to actually beat the Blue Demons.
Jerry Wainwright, the T3I Coach of the Year
Bob the Builder Award: Laying bricks is no easy feat, but a review of the stats revealed one man who rose above all the rest. West Virginia's Truck Bryant managed to hoist up almost 300 shots this year and only 33 percent of them went in. If this economy ever turns around, Mr. Bryant has bright career because every one needs a good bricklayer.

The Coach Who Was Probably an Extra in a 1990s Teen Movie: Take one suit, one mock turtleneck, a healthy dash of LA Looks styling product put them in the blender and you know what you get -- Notre Dame head coach Mike Brey.  You can just picture him in the role of a teacher chaperoning a high school dance while the cool kids spike the punch and figure out where to hook up.

No one is more committed to the mock turtleneck than Mike Brey
The Coach Dressed Most Like a Local Golf Pro: While not a surprise, we have a run away winner in Bob 'Huggy Bear' Huggins, who comes into every contest looking like he could coach or a game, or play a quick 18 at St. Andrews.

How windy can it honesly be in basketball arenas?
The Player Whose Name Lou Holtz Could Never Pronounce: Alex Oriakhi from UConn is the winner here. We'd pay good money to see Lou spit all over Mark May trying to get that one out. I think Fake Lou actually speaks better than real Lou:

The Jim Mora-Mike Gundy Lifetime Achievement Award for Outstanding Performances in Post-Game Press Conferences: Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim is many things in his post-game pressers. He's funny, honest, critical, grumpy, he fights with microphones and from time to time he likes to take issue with his local beat reporters. This year he hit all those marks and then some.  Don't believe us - just ask Donna Ditota about it....I'm sure that as long as she doesn't compare Jim's pressers to Rick Pitino's, everything will work out just fine. In the meantime, let's watch the 10 f'n games press conference, done by women in bikinis, again....

The Brett Favre Color Blind Award: This one goes to Vincent Council of Providence, who managed to lead the league in turnovers at 3.4 per game.

The Team Most in Need of Group Therapy Award: This award that honors a team who doesn't know how to share -- and when that topic comes up, the South Florida Bulls are the obvious choice. USF ended the year last in the league in assists at 12.3 per game at 12.3. Clearly the Bulls never learned that caring is sharing.

The American Mustache Institute "Best Groomed Lip Warmer" Award: In a conference with men like Oliver Purnell and John Thompson III dedicated to the 'stache, the competition was fierce, however Stan Heath rose above the rest. No one trims a mustache quite like Stan Heath.

Stan may not win many games, but he's a winner in the game of mustache

The Coach Most Likely to Hit on Your Wife Award: While the easy answer here would seem to be Rick Pitino, unless your wife hangs out by herself late night in Italian restaurants, Rick's no threat. However, keep an eye on the now fired Keno Davis - he's desperate, he's unemployed and just has that look about him.

Keep an eye on this guy

The Bomber Most Likely to be Used in an Attack on Libya Award: This award goes to Louisville's Preston Knowles, who took almost 8 threes a game. He's obviously very comfortable bombing from long range.

The Denial isn't a River in Egpyt Award: This one goes to Syracuse senior Rick 'Action" Jackson, who lead the league in blocks.

The Cheerleader Most Likely to Get Propositioned Later: This Georgetown cheerleader because if Bubba didn't stop by after this game, we're sure Steve Phillips gave her a call.

The Hazzard County All-Star: The award goes to Connecticut's Roscoe Smith -- whose parents must have been big fans of the iconic 80s show. His dog named Flash is undoubtedly excited.

The Jim Brown Premature Retirement Award: This one goes to Timmy Higgins and Jimmy Burr who quit working 1.7 seconds early during the St. John's game of the Big East Tournament.  Sadly, unlike Jim Brown on the football field, these two clowns aren't going away.

The Chuck Woolery Best Name for a Game Show Host: Former Providence coach Keno Davis, who is actually working less than Chuck these days.  Maybe he'll be back in 2 and 2.

The Player Most Likely To Induce Cardiac Stress to His Own Fans: This one goes to Scoop 'the Defibrillator" Jardine, for making every trip up and down the court a wild adventure.

The Player Who Looks Like The Goofy Kid from a 1990's Teen Movie Trying to get the Girl at the Dance Mike Brey is Chaperoning: Meet Tyler Olander - Mike Brey probably will.

And finally we'll close with:

The Coach Who Looks Most Like His School's Mascot: John Thompson III from Georgetown. We don't know what the hell a Hoya is either, but whatever it is, it looks like JTIII.

John Thompson III and the Georgetown Hoya - a match made in heaven

Thank you all for watching, but sure to tune in next year at this time, when we'll probably forget to do these awards. In the meantime, like us on Facebook.


Cuse Country said...

Multiple claps to you, sir. MULTIPLE claps.

Russianator said...

Thank you Cuse Country, thank you very much

RFS said...

Well done, idiots.

Pamela said...

Very well done. I quite enjoyed that.

The Captain said...

The Captain approves, well done sir.