Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tale of the Tape: West Virginia Football v. The Dukes of Hazzard
So by now you've certainly heard about the little coaching debacle going on in West Virginia and unless you're a fan of the Mountaineers or toasty couches, it's pretty freakin' hilarious. Let's put it this way, when a website dedicated to following West Virginia mentions a 100 year flood of incompetence and this situation is worse, even Anthony Weiner realizes that this is an embarrassment.
However, it got us thinking -- which southern-fried institution is more incompetent - the West Virginia football program or the Dukes of Hazzard? There's only one way to find out, let's break it down scientifically using the tale of the tape.
The Dukes: Boss Hogg - a man who can't capture his rivals the Duke Boys thanks to his inept sheriff - who also happens to be his brother-in-law.
WVU: Oliver Luck - a man who is his first attempt at picking a head coach couldn't catch enough common sense to realize that when you bring in a coach-in-waiting when the current guy doesn't want to go, things will end poorly.
ADVANTAGE: The Dukes -- only because Boss Hogg has got a longer track record of incompetence, although Luck is off to a good start.
Head Coach/Top Official
The Dukes: Roscoe P. Coltrane, a man that's wrecked more cars than a NASCAR driver.
WVU: Bill Stewart, a man that's wrecked more potential conference championships than Terrelle Pryor in a tattoo parlor.
ADVANTAGE: The Dukes -- at least Stewart was hired after a big victory and has won some games, whereas Coltrane was simply the a benefit of nepotism.
The Dukes: Enos Strate, a bumbling deputy with a heart of gold.
WVU: Dana Holgorsen, a bright offensive mind who hates being home so much he chooses to live in a hotel Rick Majerus-style.
ADVANTAGE: WVU - Enos was at least lovable, Holgorsen, not so much....especially if you're a casino employee.
Top Lieutenant's Vice
The Dukes: Enos' love of Daisy Duke often led to the Duke boys getting away.
WVU: Holgorsen allegedly enjoys a lot of drinking and gambling (again - allegedly)
ADVANTAGE: Push - there's no way you can decide between a hot woman and boozing and gambling. Everyone is a winner here.
The Dukes: Outhouses
ADVANTAGE: WVU -- a nice couch is expensive these days, whereas no one gives a crap about outhouses anymore.
The Dukes: The Confederate Flag on the General Lee.
WVU: Interlocking WV mountain logo.
ADVANTAGE: The Dukes - you don't get more inept than a flag that represents racism.
The Program's Low Point:
The Dukes: The Coy and Vance Season.
WVU: A winless 1960 season.
ADVANTAGE: The Dukes -- Coy and Vance were the Greg Robinsons of network television.
The Dukes: The Dukes of Hazzard Theme Song
WVU: Hail West Virginia
ADVANTAGE: WVU -- a crappy fight song that sounds like every other schools can't hold a candle to Waylon Jennings.
So there you have it. When you break it down scientifically, the Dukes of Hazzard are slightly more incompetent than the West Virginia football program, but it's clear the Mountaineers closing fast.