Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Friday, May 27, 2011

Top 10 Rejected Tiki Barber Prisoner Analogies

Photo: NY Daily News
Former Giants running back, failed broadcaster and husband of the decade Tiki Barber created a stir when he compared hiding with his 23 year old girlfriend from the media in the home of his agent  Mark Lepselter to Anne Frank. His exact quote was, it was "Lep's Jewish, so it was a reverse Anne Frank type of thing."

Here are the top 10 hiding/prisoner analogies Tiki first considered, then rejected, because they weren't "jewy" enough.

10. Lep didn't have a mask so it was like a reverse Hannibal Lecter type of thing.

9. I don't have weird tattoos so it was like a reverse Prison Break of Fox type of thing.

8. We weren't on an island, so it was like a reverse Alcatraz type of thing.

7. I've still got both arms so it was like a reverse Richard Kimball type of thing.

6. I don't have any hair, so it was like a reverse Carson Palmer type of thing.

5. I was having sex with my girlfriend and we were both trapped, so it was like half-reverse John Jamelski type of thing.

4. It wasn't a game show and I eat caviar 3 times a day, so it was like a reverse Survivor thing - although that Boston Rob seems like a nice guy.

3. I've never been a winner so it was like a reverse Charlie Sheen at the Plaza type of thing.

2. There was no plane crash, polar bears or strange numbers, so it was like a reverse Lost type of thing -- although we did once do it in a monkey cage at the San Diego zoo.

And the number 1 considered and then rejected Tiki Barber hiding/prison analogy is.........

1. I don't work anymore so it was like a reverse Tom Coughlin practice type of thing.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Notre Dame Isn't Walking Through That Door

Like a bad rash, the latest gossip on Big East expansion is appearing once again. With two less scholarships to worry about, even UConn coach Jim Calhoun has some extra time to ponder the conference's future.

Blogs and message boards are full of everyone's opinions on how to salvage this 17 team hodgepodge. I'm going to channel Rick Pitino (don't get nervous, I'm talking Celtics Rick, not after-hours restaurant Rick) and get my rant on. Folks, none of these scenarios are walking through the Big East's door anytime soon:

Give Notre Dame the "all-in or nothing" ultimatum: It's not happening.

Bring in Penn State: Yeah ok.

Convince BC to come back to the Big East: Next.

Kick out some "basketball onlies": The Providence Big East leadership will love this one.

Grab Maryland from the ACC: Ugh.

Rant over, Rick you can take it from here:

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Kige Ramsey and LeBron James Give Dating Advice

When stumbled upon Internet sensation Kige Ramsey's dating advice video, we knew we were watching something special. Obviously you can't find such wise counsel on how to act on a date just anywhere.  However, while it's great, it needed something - it needed some examples.  Kige can tell you not to make goofy faces on a date - but do you really know what that means without an example?  (Of course you do, keep playing along). 

We are certainly idiots, but we know this - there's no one better to provide these examples than one of the best basketball players on the planet - LeBron James.  So we kicked Kige's video up a notch - and even added a special guest appearance by Byron Scott.  Now get out there and start dating you crazy kids.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Ebay Item of the Week: Livin La Vida LeRon

I've got an itch that only a LeRon Ellis classic Syracuse jersey can scratch.

What could make this post any better? How about a far from HD quality 17 second "LeRon Eillis Jam Mix" video from his playing days for the Charlotte Hornets?

Monday, May 23, 2011

Don't Be That Guy: Youth Sports Edition

"What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy." ~ Jeremy Piven (Droz) P.C.U.

Fatherhood is a fun adventure. My little guy is getting into the full swing of organized sports. At this age (4), if he has fun, I have fun. I'm not expecting him to hit for the cycle in t-ball or be the next Pele in his under-6 youth soccer league.

One thing the Idiots love to do is people watch. Having spent plenty of time on the sidelines for practices and games has given me an appreciation for the guy (or gal) you do and don't want to be when it comes to youth sports. Let's get to it. You don't want to be these guys:

Day Care Guy: This is the guy/gal who thinks practice is day care for the younger sibling of their athlete child. Case in point: while practice is going on, this guy/gal is not bothered by the fact that their 2yo is running around ON THE PRACTICE FIELD while practice is going on. There was a notorious one in my son's indoor soccer league this past winter. Here's a hint folks, getting run over by a pack of soccer playing kids will not feel good to the 2yo.

TMI Guy: There's always a guy/gal on the sidelines who is more than willing to share way too much information about what's been going on at home. I really don't need to know that Johnny isn't playing well because his diarrhea medicine hasn't kicked in yet.

Cell Phone Guy: Don't get me wrong, I check my cell phone for texts as much as the next guy. However, I can make it through an entire practice or game without having to do so. Not Cell Phone Guy/Gal. They set up camp in their canvas folding chair, break out the smart phone and spend the entire practice/game on their phone playing Angry Birds without peaking up once to see how their kid is doing...father of the year material.

Screaming/Yelling Guy: Do I even have to go there? These are kids.

Perpetually Late Guy: He rolls into practice with his kids 20 minutes late and has yet to get them to a game on time. Memo to this guy, set the alarm clock an hour early.

My Kid Can Run Around Hitting, Biting and Licking Teammates and I Won't Do Anything About It Guy: This guy/gal is so intent on having their kid play, they really don't care about their behavior. The poor volunteer coach is left to deal with the mess created by this guy/gal's inaction.

Previously on Don't Be That Guy:

March Madness Bracket

Super Bowl Party

Carrier Dome

Fantasy Football

Tweet of the Week

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Syracuse Lax: The Rapture

Well that stunk. With our Idiotic level of lacrosse knowledge, we're not going to even try to pull off any analysis of the Orange's NCAA tourney loss to Maryland. We'll leave that to guys who actually know something about lacrosse....be sure to check in with John and Brian at Orange44 and CollegeCrosse.

R.I.P. Macho Man

The Challenger Disaster, 9/11, and the death of Bin Laden....defining moments for my generation, and I'll never forget where I was when I heard the news of these events. Well last week, a simple text message at work from my fellow Idiot Russianator alerted me to the death of 80s WWF superstar Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Another defining moment for the Idiot generation.

Noted for his battles against such legends as Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, we feel it necessary at T3I to pay tribute to to the "Macho Man" with a look back at perhaps his toughest opponent ever: his legendary battle against Weird Al Yankovic. Rest in peace Randy.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Jimmy Clausen Throws Darts - To Jimmy Clausen

Having a hard time keeping track of how your favorite NFL players are keeping busy during the lockout?  Well put those fears aside, Tauntr will get us all caught up in no time.  The best one is the Jimmy Clausen bit - trust us.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Jared Lorenzen is Still Playing -- and Eating Footballs

This man has 69 TD passes this year, or one for every chin
Jared Lorenzen rose to prominence as a record setting quarterback at the University of Kentucky. The Hefty Lefty was known for having a cannon for an arm, wearing the number 22, and being so fat you'd think he ate the only other QB that wore 22, Doug Flutie.

Even given his girth, Lorenzen had talent and actually was a back up for the NY Giants from 2005 through 2007, racking up career totals of 28 yards passing, 2 yards rushing, and 8 trips a week to the Rutgers grease trucks.

So what's J-load up to these days -- besides about 400 pounds? Why playing football of course, and playing well. Granted, he's playing in something called the Ultimate Indoor Football League, where, as you can see from the photo above, he's getting paid in Hardee's Monster Thickburgers.

The fact that a guy that easily weighs at least 400 pounds and is leading the league in passing yards per game tells us that UPS drivers in Northern Kentucky make terrible defense backs -- but that's not  really surprising.  What is surprising is that next year you can own your very own Ultimate Indoor Football expansion team.

Seriously, there's a form on leage's web page where you apply to be an owner -- and much like when you try to finance a new Kia, they ask for your annual household income.  Our advice - when the finance guy tries to sell you the undercoating and the extended warranty, take a pass.  You've got an indoor football team to buy. And since it's a fat-friendly league, we'd suggest getting Gilbert Brown to be your coach.  He's getting some solid experience in the lingerie league right now.

Tip of the hat to @AndrewMangini for the info - especially the part about getting your own expansion team.

Ebay Item of the Week: Orange Bling

The Idiots love the 2004 Syracuse football season for one reason, a hint...it's not that year's Champs Sports Bowl. Rather it was one of our all-time favorite road trips, the season ending game at Boston College. As a result of that tremendous win, the Orangemen earned a piece of a four-way tie for the Big East title.

Apparently a four-way logjam didn't stop Syracuse from commemorating the occasion with championship rings. For $1,499.99 you can own one of these beauties.

Now for the real question, which member of that '04 squad is hawking their ring on Ebay?

Oh what the heck, Axeman here's a musical look back at 2004.

Chris Gedney Still Needs Those Extra 3 Yards

A video popped up on YouTube that you probably don't want to see -- but if you're anything like me, you won't be able to look away. The infamous 1992 Syracuse - Miami game when the Orange came up just 3 yards short of defeating what was then the best program in the country. In fact, up to that point Miami had won 27 games in a row. That's nuts.

This video has a bunch of great things going for it:

- The terrible dome turf

- Brent Musberger and Lee Corso doing the game

- A young Warren Sapp, who Brent said is "destined to become a huge star"

- Marvin Graves making number 5 look cool well before Donovan showed up

- The almost half jerseys players still wore. There's more exposed man-belly than I cared to remember.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Taj Gibson Can Fly

When Syracuse won the national title in 2003, the voice of the Orange was Mark Johnson.  He moved on to Denver not long after SU won the title, but one of Mark's signature calls was "I have seen man fly."  I'm pretty sure he used that on more than one Hakim Warrick Dunk.  Anyway, that was the first thing that came to mind when I saw this Taj Gibson dunk.

And just for good measure, he's the classic Hak "tea bag" dunk over Royal Ivey in the final four:

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Blogger Sucks

Last week blogger - the free service that hosts this site - crapped out.  It appears to be working again, although my brilliant posts on mini golf and Chris Gedney have yet to reappear.  It's the second time in five months we've had issues with blogger, and while I'm sure most of the lotal readers of this site -- all 4 of you -- haven't even noticed, it has annoyed the crap out of us.

If we were grading blogger, right now it would get a:

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

RIP Robert Tractor Traylor

If you've read this blog more than once, you know we love the oddities and absurdities in the world of sports. Neither of us have the time, will or ability to do sabermetrics or break down the net punting average of football teams who play outdoor games v. teams that play indoor.  We love goofy stuff, odd ball characters, and weird and crap that ends up on eBay.

So it is with great sadness that we learn today about the death of Robert 'Tractor' Traylor, who passed away at the age of 34.  Always a big man, the Tractor never fit the mold of a basketball player and frankly, that's why we liked watching him play.  RIP Big Fella, send it in one more time.

Shitty Beer Reviews: The Beast

These girls do not drink the beast
 Our good friend Poncho Sinatra is still floating around the interwebs -- he's just doing it in a more tasty and appetizing way than he has in the past - as he's one of the creative forces behind the food blog Chop Biscuit.

Over his old site, the now defunct Sport Hump, one of the best running features was his brilliant and accurate shitty beer reviews.  Well, the beer reviews are back, under a slightly cleaner name and today Poncho reviews everyone's favorite swill -- Milwaukee's Best.  When it's not good enough to be a Miller product, it's certainly Milwaukee's Best.

We aren't about to steal the review or spoil the fun -- so go read it for yourself -- and enjoy, because while the beer may be terrible, at least their advertising wasn't.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Shaka Smart Could Use Some Singing Lessons - From Frank Costanza

Shaka Smart captured the nation's attention by leading a VCU team that had no business even getting in the NCAA tournament all the way to the Final Four. He did a hell of a job. However, you can't say the same about his version of take me out to the ball game, which he delivered at the Cubs game yesterday. From the Lost Letterman blog - check it out for yourself:

Now if he really wants to know how to perform this song, he needs to go see the man, the myth, the legend Frank Constanza - aka - Jerry Stiller -- who shows him how it's done. Unfortunately for "Frank" he had to actually sit through a Mets game before he could sing the song. That's more painful than being forced to watch Kenny Bania's stand up act. Come to think of it, I bet Bania is a Mets fan.

Video from Larry Brown Sports.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Doug Marrone One on One

Below you'll find an interview Doug Marrone did with Citrus TV about the 2010 season. While there isn't much new in the interview, as usual, Marrone comes off as a thoughtful, disciplined guy, someone who is focused and someone who will play by the rules. In other words, he's the anti-Dave Bliss -- who is still a giant scumbag.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Friday Morning Videos: Smoke Machines and Rookie of the Year

Here are a few quick videos to kick off this sunny Friday morning.  The first comes from the Sportress of Blogitude and teaches us an important lesson -- if you're videotaping professional hockey players, it's best not to stand in the middle of the smoke machine.  It makes it hard for them to see you, and when that occurs - bad things happen.

The second is the great Norm MacDonald asking NBA Rookie of the Year Blake Griffin a probing question about his award. 

And speaking of Norm, here's a short clip of Jim Breuer -- quick aside, if Breuer comes to your town go see him, he's hilarious -- anyway, here's Breuer talking about the time Norm managed to get kicked out of Iowa.Friday is here, hang in there people, happy hour will be here soon.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ebay Items of the Week: USA...USA...USA

The Pride of Glens Falls, NY

We turn to our good buddy and frequent poster "The Captain" for this week's Ebay Item of the Week. Earlier this week, we reported on the reaction of Phillies fans to the news out of Pakistan. Well our friend the Captain thought the occasion deserved a little dash of '80s WWF superstar and proud American, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. What the Captain wants, he gets.

* Autographed 8x10 of Hacksaw for $29.99, bargain

* What's better than a Hacksaw action figure in front of a picture of a cat? How about another one in front of a picture of two cats?

* Casual Fridays just got a little more patriotic

Captain, ask and you shall receive:

Monday, May 2, 2011

Tweet of the Week

Osama bin Laden is Dead - Phillies Fans Rejoice

Below is pretty awesome video from Mocksession of fans at the Phillies - Mets game breaking out in chants of U-S-A after news began to spread about the death of Osama bin Laden.  While the war on terror isn't over, some measure of justice has been served and a man who was pure evil is rightfully dead.  May Osama get continually raped in hell for all eternity.  U-S-A.